tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76017944205991743402024-03-13T15:49:53.164+08:00I'm Not Dead... Yet.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-81834586148169438402015-09-08T11:05:00.002+08:002015-09-08T11:29:14.796+08:00Returning To The World<br />
If I am honest with myself, I've become hermit-like. I hide at home, behind the reason that I'm tired/I feel sick/I have stuff to do. The reality is, I got nothing. I waste so much time doing nothing, getting nothing done. It's a dangerous place to be. I'm aware enough to know this. I have no desire to see friends or family. If I could, I would talk to no one. All I want are my kids around me because they are my only anchors to this earth. They don't even have to talk to me, they just have to be there.<br />
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There is a part of me that hopes everything goes to shit, so I can finally reveal my true self, so I can leave this situation and adjust my life to a level that is more truthful. But pride is still the stronger emotion. The only thing worse than feeling nothing is feeling shame.<br />
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There are tiny tremors in my heart as I write. It feels like small skips, or should I say trips. The moments between beats is like the empty spaces in my chest where joy and laughter ought to be. When I think about my future, the trips echo loudly. Why? Because I see nothing. All I see is the daily effort to be calm and content while my body inevitably marches towards old age and disappearing into nothing, being nothing, having nothing.<br />
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I will die without a home, without peace, struggling to the very end. This is the rotten core of the apple that is my tender heart.<br />
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<br />Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-28245320352652325152015-05-24T22:48:00.000+08:002015-05-24T22:52:59.829+08:00Deadly SinsEnvy (noun), a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.<br />
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It eats at my insides everyday.<br />
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<br />Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-43054061509181158622014-11-18T01:00:00.000+08:002015-05-24T22:39:32.070+08:00Making Yourself Forget Is Still ForgettingI'm back, therefore it's safe to assume that it's been a bad day. I'm back, therefore it's safe to assume that I've been floundering again.<br />
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One bad day, I can take. One bad day in the middle of general despair and desperation, I end up crying bitter tears. At church. In the middle of the night.<br />
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I wish I could talk about this to someone but I really, really don't think there is anyone in my life right now who can understand what I'm feeling. I know how I will sound like to someone outside of my head and heart. My sons live with me and they see nothing but an occasionally cranky mom who prefers to "rest" than to work. They don't know that my "rest" is my way of holding the despair at bay. I've learned to empty my mind at will, to zone out and forget. I'm called forgetful but I'm grateful for it. Who wants to remember everything? Not me. I wish I could forget whole swaths of my life.<br />
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The same way I learned not to sleep while my husband was in treatments, I've learned to forget about the things that cause me anxiety. I "forget" about things I need to buy because I can't afford it. I forget about the things I used to want. I forget about the life I used to live. I forget about things I need to do. I forget about money because I don't like how I feel when I think about it.<br />
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And yes, I also forget about exercise because I no longer care. I'm an impostor anyway. I might as well look as bad as how I feel inside.<br />
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<br />Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-44262039579780869562014-06-12T03:02:00.002+08:002014-06-12T03:10:24.666+08:00How To Bite Off More Than You Can Chew And ChokeI give up, I really do. I can't handle this anymore. I can't talk to anyone about this because it's too embarrassing to admit that I really can't be here. This place isn't anything I can afford but I forced the situation because I was talked into it (Mom) and I hoping to create a space for the BF and I. But I know he doesn't like being here anyway, even if he doesn't say anything. I don't think he'll ever be comfortable with the boys around, simple as that. Also, turns out I don't really need the 3rd room as an office. I still find myself working on the floor and on the dining table.<br />
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So why am I really here? To make it seem to everyone that I'm okay? That I'm moving up in life? BS. What business do I have being here when I can't even manage the expenses that come with being in a bigger place? Cut the extra maid, cut the association dues, cut the aircon, cut the lights, cut the garden and watering of plants. Buy less, sell more, eat simpler.<br />
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I feel like such a fake, living in this address with a bank account of zero. This month, I can't afford my personal luxuries. This month, I did my own nails and cut my own hair. This month, I will massage my own feet. This month, I will be late on many of my bills. This month, I cannot afford to service the air conditioner so electric fan it is.<br />
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If the BF had the true picture of my life, he will just tell me it's my fault, that I have the capability to earn enough, that I'm just lazy and don't listen to his suggestions. How can I tell him that I can't "listen" to his suggestions because I'm so busy juggling everyday that I'm mentally fatigued and have no desire to work? That each suggestions costs more money that I don't have to spare? Worry eats up my insides and accomplishing regular orders is already a mountain to climb.<br />
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He thinks I diminish him (he won't admit he used the word small) when I tell him "you don't understand what I go through", but it is true. Truer than anything I know. No one else but me can know how I feel, how tortured my mind can be sometimes, how I just pray for the same thing on repeat: "money".<br />
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<br />Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-91928814985865618812013-07-20T23:14:00.003+08:002013-07-20T23:18:08.792+08:00Afloat and AdriftI don't know how to describe how I feel. Left out of life, maybe? Stuck in a rut? Dissatisfied? All I know is that there is something going on again, and my biggest clues are hiding out in my room with music plugged into my ear, and random weepiness. I think I'm pissed about something, but even I can tell it's not proportional... What is the real issue? What is making me feel like I want to chuck it all (again)?<br />
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Sometimes I stand in the middle of my bedroom and look at everything around me, imagining throwing it all out the window and living with nothing except a bed and some clothes. Of course I would have to become anti-social because I would never show myself dressed in rags.<br />
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It kinda makes sense because the very appealing image in my head is that of a dark cave that no one enters unless they are invited in. It is a cave deep inside a mountain. It is quiet and safe, and there is a small spring of water inside. The water is the only noise that will keep me company. Gentle ripples and soft, slow drips, just enough noise to keep me company without disturbing my silence.<br />
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I sometimes think that without Facebook, I would have zero friends by now. I have stopped reaching out to friends. It's hard to do that now when I have no money to spare for "luxuries". So I'm just cutting it all off. The consequence here is that I spend more time with the BF's friends, more than my own. The little time I spend "out" is with someone else's friends. I think I just figured out that this is what is giving me a floating feeling.<br />
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Is this what it feels like to be afloat without an anchor? No friends to remind you that you are an adult with consequence? Peers who care and love simply? My children should be my anchor, but they feel more like my companions in a life raft. Why a life raft? Because my entire life feels like an emergency situation after a grand, sinking disaster.<br />
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The little things that happen to make me happy are just illusions. When you strip it down to what it is, my life is, in fact, an emergency situation. All I'm managing to do is stay afloat and alive for my kids. If it were just me, I would just lie down and let the sun burn me to oblivion.<br />
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<br />Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-59168860297864499102013-07-08T11:23:00.002+08:002013-07-20T22:54:01.214+08:00Broke and BrokenHere I am again, broke as fuck. I don't know how I keep myself in this situation, but I honestly feel like I'm frozen in time. I can't move, I can't change. I have no idea what to do. I have no vision of the future. All I see is me scraping by, day by day, until I die.<br />
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I don't know what I'm waiting for, maybe it has to come to a point where I have less than nothing. I can't even admit to myself how desperate the situation is because there's always that (good or bad?) little voice in my head that soothes me into inaction... "Just wait, something good will happen. Someone will help you, someone will save you from yourself."<br />
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I try to introspect, because the truth of the matter is, I've been barely surviving for the longest time and I can't see why I sabotage myself. I know I'm lazy, but I also have some pride. But it's a bad combination because this is what makes me hide. I cannot talk about my financial problems because I am deeply ashamed. Instead, I blame everything else outside of me: Lack of business, too much expenses of the kids, stuff breaking down, staff problems, and ultimately, the death of Cyril.<br />
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The feeling that keeps me heavy is anger and resentment. I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS. I am not prepared to be a single mom of three. How can I be expected to take care of four people when I can barely care for myself? I don't know a single person like me and it's so unfair. I don't have the tools, I wasn't taught anything about survival in the real world. I can't wrap my head around it, even now, five years later.<br />
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Most days I can bury my head in the sand, but when shit hits the fan (aka 'broke as fuck'), it floods my brain. I feel like a loser but at the same time, I blame the world. I can't get past my personal barriers. I cannot succeed until I hurdle my emotional obstacles.<br />
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The irony is that I need money to do this. Therapy is the only way to get clarity. No amount of prayer is enough. Sometimes I feel like praying is just like me and my mind pretending to figure things out, when actually, it's just the blind leading the blind.<br />
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I just want to crawl into bed and die. I'm not afraid to die, you know. The only thing that would break my heart is having the boys suffer inside. And so I try, because I don't want them to be unprepared for their lives. I keep up the facade so they feel safe. If they only knew.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-22701351213995674982013-04-07T01:17:00.002+08:002013-04-07T01:17:40.144+08:00Today, I cried.
Today, I reached a breaking point.
Today, I looked at my bank account and felt so useless.
Today, I had to "borrow" money to buy medicines.
Today, I couldn't admit to someone I love that I need help.
Today, my pride still ruled.
Tomorrow, I will wake up.
Tomorrow, I still won't know how to solve my problems.
Tomorrow, I will go to work despite my overwhelming insecurity.
Tomorrow, I will try not to think.
One day, I won't wake up with anxiety.
One day, I won't worry about how to pay for my children's needs.
One day, the burden will be eased.
One day, I will leave it all behind.
One day, I will rest in peace, in the arms of my Father.
Till then.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-30449568137305993752012-06-13T05:37:00.001+08:002012-06-13T05:37:23.076+08:00Useless MenToo much has happened since my last post, so I will skip it altogether and begin... today. Today my father and my brother disappointed me. Today they failed to help when I asked for help. Did they think I was kidding? Were they immune to the urgency in my voice?
People really forget how tough I have it, mostly because I don't talk about the stresses of money and supporting my kids alone. I do what I can, but there are many times when I just need help, aka cash.
Not for me, not for luxuries, but for tuition, shoes, uniforms, supplies, and other education-related expenses. I am filled with resentment but I wonder how much of this resentment is fed by a sense of entitlement? I see how much they have. It's certainly enough to share.
I guess I just want someone to take care of me for a bit, to do something extraordinary and unexpected for me. Ease my burden, surprise me with concern. It's like carrying a heavy bag and suddenly having someone carry the bag for you, without prompting.
The cycle of disappointment in the men of my family continues, but I promise it will stop with my sons.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-21850186414731144112011-08-02T17:11:00.003+08:002011-08-02T17:29:08.065+08:00When I Fall, I Fall HardI slipped on the wet front steps of my building last night. I don't think I've ever fallen like that before. It was PAINFUL and I think it's a miracle I didn't break a bone or my skull. I stepped down and I split second later, my body crashed down hard on the marble edge. <br /><br />A friend was with me, and there was a bystander. They both saw my fall and it freaked them out. After a minute, I was able to stand. After a few more minutes, I was able to move. I started to get dizzy and clammy. I was escorted back upstairs and I promptly fainted onto the couch.<br /><br />I've read about the body's reaction to trauma and I knew this was adrenalin pumping then making me crash. I seriously considered going to the hospital and I cried from the pain, but I was aware enough to determine if I had any serious injuries. Taking stock, my left arm was bruised and useless so I put it in a sling and kept it immobile overnight. The main impact was on my left butt and I could not walk. I was dizzy, but not because I hit my head. I was clammy and my heart was pounding (still the adrenalin). There was a loud buzzing inside my head, like a hive of bees.<br /><br />This morning I woke up to see a long, horizontal hematoma across my left butt. Seeing where the worst bruising was just convinced me even more that I was saved by my guardian angel. One inch to the right and I would have slammed down on my tailbone instead of the biggest muscle in the human body. Thinking about what could have happened is freaking me out more than anything else. It was so sudden. I literally could have been paralyzed with a broken spine or hurt with a head injury. Why my head did not slam backwards on the marble as my feet flew up is pure dumb luck aka, my guardian angel. <br /><br />A voice inside me is saying I was meant to fall to jolt me out of my melancholy. But I am more melancholic now, plus I hurt all over and cant walk. What the fuck.<br /><br />Welcome August, my birth month, Ghost month and Ramadan. It looks like a painful month ahead.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-55460709638270858402011-07-31T00:53:00.003+08:002012-06-13T05:38:42.968+08:00On The Edge of HappyI don't have the words to describe how I feel today. All I know is that I am crying and that I am angry at myself. The year was going so well, then BAM, here comes someone to ruin it all, to create ripples in my peaceful pond.
Be strong. Focus on what's more important. Do not let your insecurity rule you. Have faith that there is someone out there who will love me for me, 2011 me with all my complications.
There is a lead ball in my chest where my heart used to be :(Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-4646335836786432592011-07-05T16:08:00.001+08:002011-07-05T16:10:25.815+08:00P.S.I can't believe I'm in this situation again. I really cannot believe I let myself get hooked. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-36256439310847816642011-07-05T00:44:00.002+08:002012-06-13T05:42:34.957+08:00I've missed you.Dear Blog, don't be angry. I have been happy and did not need your pages to cry on. But like a good friend, you are here for me when I need you. And I really need to cry on your pages today. I feel so stupid. And rejected. I really thought I had met someone I could actually attempt a relationship with, but no go. After a painfully awkward and supremely humiliating conversation, we realized we had very different expectations. As usual, my head was already in the clouds while his were low and close to earth. I don't blame him. Who really wants to be with someone like me? I come with so much baggage. I'm getting older. I have children. I'm a widow... Most guys, in their innermost thoughts, will think "used goods". That's just the reality, and it hurts like a bitch. So now I have to pull out all my tools for coping. Help me Lord, to use this experience as another way to learn. To truly love myself, value my worth, hope for the best but be content with what I already have. The evil side of me keeps whispering "hate him", but I know he doesn't deserve any blame. He is young and this experience will teach him to tread more carefully around women who are vulnerable. I think he was a bit shaken. Yeah, he will remember for the rest of his life. I've served a purpose. I am thankful though that I spoke up this early. I dread to think of how much worse it could have felt later on, after a bigger emotional investment. And I am also thankful that he is capable of walking away without a backward glance. I cannot do that, but he can and will and he has offered to be the bad guy. I have two days to think about this and you will be my sounding board, dear Blog, because I dare not talk to anyone about this... My pride has taken an extraordinary beating and I wish to preserve my dignity.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-81872843819558127992010-11-08T01:32:00.002+08:002010-11-08T12:03:58.636+08:00Weeds and SeedsSame time last year, the same thing happened.<br /><br />I thinned the proverbial garden of weeds, left the garden to heal, then watched as the new year welcomed fresh growth. So now, I am thinning the garden once again... I know that there will be rough patches... but I have faith that something new will come to bloom in the empty spaces.<br /><br />What could have I done differently this year? I should have been more diligent in fertilizing new ground. I should not have allowed any weeds to grow back in my garden. I should have spent more time concentrating on consistent, daily care rather than dreaming about the harvest.<br /><br />It all starts with a seed, but that seed needs roots before it can grow. Lord, help me grow roots so that I may gain strength.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-76231777255991254352010-10-22T23:32:00.000+08:002010-10-27T00:06:29.798+08:00Flowers To AvoidThere are people who face issues head on, and there are those who fold like a shrinking violet.<br /><br />You, my friend, are a world-class shrinking violet. How sad that you are pretty but your spine is too soft to stand straight. You bruise easily under the softest pressure too. Poor are the people who admire you from afar, only to come close and see your true smallness.<br /><br />You may now join the club of Morning Glory, Mimosa aka makahiya, and night-blooming Water Lily.<br /><br />One is perky, colorful and vibrant in the beginning (of the day) but as soon as it feels the heat (of the sun), it closes up and selfishly keeps its color to itself. <br /><br />Another shuts its leaves upon any touch (intimacy), and even has thorns to further protect it from "harm". <br /><br />And the last one blooms stunning (only at night) when it is alone and the rest of the world is asleep. It hides its true beauty by pretending to be a useless pod during the day.<br /><br />I wish I could meet a chrysanthemum -- Not my usual type (of flower) but it has a strong stem, abundant dark leaves and lots of layers (of petals). It doesn't smell either, neither good nor bad. I can live with that, and its dependable lushness. I have no need for the exotic, the hard to find or the false. <br /><br />My dear Chrysanthemum, you have the ability to replace the dead rose in my heart...Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-462672179963088052010-10-08T01:47:00.002+08:002010-10-10T02:03:25.265+08:00Dear Food,You are the one constant in my life.<br /><br />If there is something wrong with you, it's 100% my fault. I probably didn't treat you right.<br /><br />You are there in good times and bad, and I can't imagine laughing or crying without you.<br /><br />Satisfaction in your company is a given, not just a possibility.<br /><br />I would never throw you away! Every part of you is important and I cherish you always.<br /><br />You are so important to me that I would choose you over other people.<br /><br />You fill me up, in more ways than one.<br /><br />Even when you're bad for me, I still want you!<br /><br />You helped me raise my boys to be strong, and fast, and smart, and healthy. <br /><br />If you could talk back, I'm sure you would say I Love You Too.<br /><br />Always,<br /><br />Merry WidowMerry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-39092023102965825942010-09-23T23:38:00.004+08:002010-09-24T18:00:43.749+08:00DumpVitriol Alert!<br /><br />I think this is the end for someone who has been in and out of my life for years. We yelled over the phone two days ago and I haven't heard a peep since. I don't think I will be missed. Strike One.<br /><br />I was supposed to meet a friend tonight, but major flake. I guess getting drunk with OTHER friends is more important. Strike Two.<br /><br />And finally, I have to accept the fact that another person has judged me, thought less than more, and walked away without a backward glance. What a fraud. Strike Three.<br /><br />It's so sad that people are continuously disappointing me, to the point that I am considering just retreating and giving up on them! If I don't do this, I will not be able to preserve my idealism/joy/hope/wonder.<br /><br />I do not want to be a cynic, or cynical. I want to be who I was when I was younger -- naive, unspoilt, invincible. To preserve my happy self, I have to make sacrifices that may hurt in the beginning. But my hope is that over time, less people will have the power to bring me down. <br /><br />It's true what they say that when you allow people into your life, you also give them the power to hurt you. No more. The walls are back up.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-33312463072178838422010-09-13T00:44:00.001+08:002010-09-14T15:19:20.854+08:00Unresolved AngerSomeone needs to teach me how to let go of residual negative feelings.<br /><br />To Blockhead: You got past my walls, you sneaky bastard. I'll give you that. Now you have to give me back the time I wasted on you. And the energy I spent second-guessing myself.<br /><br />To Peter Pan: I tried to understand you. I made excuses for you. I let you get away with murder. Thank god I don't care about you anymore, I'm just pissed off that a I got taken for a ride by a douchebag (which is your new name on my phone now, btw).<br /><br />To Playa: Fine, you don't sleep around, but you sure flirted around. Emotional promiscuity is still a non-negotiable. BOO.<br /><br />To Eternal John: If you STILL don't know how I fit into your life, then forget it. I don't want you. I don't want your scared, little mind to force itself to be brave. You may have money, but how does that make you any happier? You are poor in joy.<br /><br />To Marshmallow: I don't need another child in my life. Please act your age. But you are hot, and your gentle nature is luring me in... Will you be responsible enough to nurture a mature relationship? I have my doubts.<br /><br />To C: I still can't believe you left me to these assholes. Wherever you are, I know you are laughing at my predicament. Is this cosmic justice? Is this a test? Are you missing me at all??Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-5628484312602553282010-08-19T18:39:00.002+08:002010-08-19T18:41:37.680+08:00I will fight the shadows even if it kills me. I'm tired of all the sadness inside me and I want to be released.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-62239714152237530302010-08-16T09:59:00.001+08:002010-08-16T16:12:04.051+08:00Long DistanceThe power of the written word, by a friend, for a friend:<br /><br />"... But I wasn't kidding when I said you will be loved again. I have no doubt about it actually. I don't tend to throw platitudes about for the most part. Of course, I cannot understand the grief you must feel and will continue to feel but you are loved by a lot of people and you need to sustain yourself with that. As for existential crises, we all have them from time to time."<br /><br />"... I personally love reading your blog. I guess that makes me some kind of stalker. But, I am drawn to it nevertheless. You radiate... generosity of spirit, and openness. I know that sounds corny, but I wouldn't say that about anyone. You were an absolute angel to me when we first met because I was at an absolute low point in my life at the time, without any concept of what you were going through."<br /><br />"... I know, life isn't perfect. And things won't go perfectly for you all the time, so I'm not just gonna pour on the corn. And I'm still really jetlagged so I'm having trouble expressing myself again today. But I did mean it when I said these guys are out of your league... Of course there won't be anyone to match your hubby, but I think it would be good for you if they got at least somewhere within the same universe!"<br /><br />"... I deal with depression and anxiety too, so I think I can relate to how you feel on some level. And I'm here to listen. One of the bad things about being away is that it makes it harder to be there for you. Anyway, I like the fact that despite my inherent conservatism, I can also be myself around you. My (bleep) is an ongoing battle but I also feel a lot better about myself than I have, and people like you help a lot. You have never judged me, which I appreciate. I can be me!"<br /><br />"... My writing right now is leaden and I'm not getting to the point about purpose and all that since my brain is mush... Just keep the faith!"Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-7271210566072528842010-08-10T00:54:00.003+08:002010-08-11T12:49:37.719+08:00GODDAMNIT...... I spoke too soon.<br /><br />Thank you R, for talking me through it. What a pep talk on self-worth, high standards and not settling for anything less than great. You revealed my harsh paranoia, yet softened the blow with words that could only be meaningful coming from a long-time friend and soul sister. You've been around long enough to know the pitfalls of my ego. But you've also been around long enough to know I am fierce when I hate, love, cry, play, dream, and protect my own... I am Leo, hear me roar?Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-621785288683768912010-08-02T22:28:00.003+08:002010-08-11T12:50:48.546+08:00The Merry Month of AugustI almost didn't want to celebrate this year.<br /><br />Money issues, responsibilities, sheer laziness, and believe it or not sadness. I started the month with a sudden realization that this will be my third birthday month alone. And that feeling has been weighing me down.<br /><br />I try to look forward and most of the time I succeed. Lately though, I have been indulging myself. I feel like I needed to reconnect with my loss, and recall the pain.<br /><br />I don't do it out of masochism. I do it to remind myself of the things that are important to me NOW. So here I am, back to planning a big birthday party because I remember that it has been my friends and family who have made the rest of my life worthwhile.<br /><br />Whether I feel it or not, I will smile and celebrate my life and hope that gratitude fills my heart and drives the blues away.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-74045363041732251532010-07-28T20:38:00.001+08:002010-08-09T15:57:34.071+08:00Heartbreak WarfareMy heart is breaking for a dear, dear friend who lost his Mom, the center of his Universe. I wish I had the words to help him but I know there aren't any. Grief is such a lonely, painful journey that, unfortunately, we need to take alone. I just hope he doesn't let his regrets overwhelm him.<br /><br />His texts/status updates are so desperate, I am afraid. He has said "I have no reason for living, but I am too afraid to kill myself." What is there to say that won't smack of self-righteous and patronizing obtuseness?<br /><br />" Don't kill yourself, it is a sin."<br />" Your mom would not have wanted this for you."<br />" She is in a better place." <br />" There is still more to life."<br />" We are here for you whenever you need to talk."<br />" I will pray for you."<br /><br />Frankly, these platitudes will just sound like blah blah blah while the only true thought in your head is "This is so painful, how do I make it stop?"<br /><br />My friend, I hope you have the inner strength to forge ahead. I believe in you and I will wait at the sidelines until you are ready for my help.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-83640468180512150382010-07-05T14:48:00.002+08:002010-07-05T14:56:37.368+08:00HiatusDear Blog, <br /><br />I'm so sorry I've neglected you... but I finally didn't need you as much as I did before. Something happened to me these last few months; I feel like something inside me shifted and settled.<br /><br />It wasn't one thing, or a few things, it was just a feeling of calmness. I wasn't running or chasing anything. I could stand in a moment and feel steady.<br /><br />I will come back to you later since I have some thoughts to journalize.... But it's good to be back.<br /><br /><br />Merry WidowMerry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-45021003424859680622010-06-19T14:30:00.000+08:002010-08-09T15:58:32.975+08:00Yes, that feels so much better... One less albatross around my neck. I wish i did it sooner, but I guess there is a right time and place for everything. And the most amazing thing is how light I feel... like a real physical weight was lifted off my chest. Who knew?<br /><br />Goodbye Negativity. We are no longer friends.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7601794420599174340.post-30579424510835811272010-03-10T15:32:00.001+08:002010-03-16T15:37:18.904+08:00Simple joys have been the solution.<br />Thank God for giving me the peace I asked for. I ask for nothing more.Merry Widowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14808150946243486572noreply@blogger.com1