Silly Girl (have I used this title yet?)

Had a good chat with S, and she is so wise about life... I have a feeling that while she listens to me, her thought bubble says "what a silly, silly girl". But she is cool, and worldly, and oh-so-blase, and I wish I could practice the patience she insists I develop for my own good.

She is also undergoing change in her life, and the amazing part is, she has the strength and power to turn her back on things that she cannot live with. She seems happier now, and glad to give me advice. One day I should see her alone, without T. Her, me and a pitcher of margaritas sounds like a pretty good happy hour....

Chiz

It's remarkable how quickly any bit of news/gossip/intrigue travels. There is barely any smoke and people are already speculating about fire! Wow. Gotta be so careful nowadays.

Ambiguous

There's nothing like coming home from a vacation to make you feel both glad and sad. Ahh well, give it a day. In the morning I'll definitely be back to cranky mode. I don't even want to think about the 'monkey wrench'. But tonight, had a chat with M and he jogged my memory about past behavior, missed chances, being brave. What a nice person. Tried to convince him to come to Manila to visit, we'll see! This, I am not ambiguous about.

my movie life

Okay, I'm officially confused.
Plus, I'm so cranky. PMS?

Time to crack out my special coping tools. Or just imagine all the people in this world who are more confused and crankier than I am. I must be a recurring character in a ridiculous Cohen brothers movie... downgraded from The Matrix where people actually had a choice between red and blue.

Talking to X helps to a degree, but how can X really contribute to the solution when X is part of the problem?

Maybe I should trawl though Facebook photos 'til the sun rises -- skip the S for one night and see what happens.

Or hey, maybe I can double the S and just put myself out of my misery for half a day. I'll wake up with a funny feeling, I'm sure. Very Groundhog Day. Anyone ever see the original french (?) short movie that the movie was based on? No happy Bill Murray ending there. The poor man kept waking up standing in the middle of a traffic intersection holding his briefcase. It drove him crazy, to the point that he killed himself. Screen goes black. Then fades into him standing in the traffic intersection once again. I still have NIGHTMARES about this....

April's Fool

Had to make a very serious decision about something, and it's so difficult to keep to it. I know I had to do this, for the sake of moving forward. Didn't realize until I stepped away that it was so toxic. Strangely glad to be traveling a lot this month so I can put some literal distance and give myself time to think about other things -- the kids, work, Margaret...

Good-bye March. Let's hope that April doesn't prove me a fool.

ps. No guys, I'm not going to tell you about this. Yet. lol

That's What Friends Are For...

... to help you get through difficult times with a smile on your face and gratefulness in your heart. Thank you to all the people who, over the past few years, propped me up and kept me from tipping over into a pit of despair.

I took time to think about our doctor's in Indiana -- Dr. Rafat Abonour (love him), Dr. Lawrence Einhorn, and Dr. Anuj Agarwalla, my favorite resident! -- and I hope I remember to write them a little note in remembrance. The transplant nurses were such amazing people and I wish I could go back to give them all hugs, as many as they gave me all throughout. Maddie and her whole crazy family were another godsend, as was the beautiful, equally-nutty Nicolas family!(still can't believe Tony made me work a shotgun in the woods, lol)

I've wondered about this before, about why the experience at IU was so much better than any of the multiple ones at MSK. Sure, the doctors at Sloan couldn't be any better, given their reputation and expertise, but it was the people at Indiana who really made everything a human (and humane) experience.

I will be eternally grateful to Dr. Einhorn for giving us HOPE when everyone else had given up. That's why he continues to be such a pioneer in his field.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Einhorn
http://www.wkkf.org/default.aspx?tabid=119&CID=297&ItemID=20&NID=181&LanguageID=0
https://www.piedmontmountainsidehospital.org/diw/Content.asp?PageID=DIW009014

To all my other friends, here and all over the world, who wrote me and sent me photos, mass cards, silly text messages... who hung out with me, forced me to go out, didn't judge me and my coping methods... who took the time be with my kids, made them feel loved... who continue to talk about Cyril and all his hobbies, quirks and accomplishments... I love you all :)

Anniversary

My doctor was right, there are some things you just can't run away from. Quiet times are the worst :( Looking back, remembering the horrible wait and the end... Every minute is still so clear in my mind and in my heart. Tomorrow is so :((