Fear and Pain are Friends

"Do you miss her?"
"Yeah, for the same reason you miss the pain... because you lived with it for so long."

Taken from the Facebook wall of someone who has too many walls himself, so high and thick I can barely sense his core, can hardly tell how he really feels about things. I know everything is a mask and I also know that he will never open up and show me what's behind it.

Was his breakup experience really so devastating? Has this ruined him for everything and everyone afterwards? She's still alive so how can this be worse than losing someone to death?

I live with a pain most people won't ever understand, but this new pain isn't the only pain I have. Dr. I. once said, you cannot let go of your long-time fears because they have become your friend. You let then control you because you'd rather be in the company of fear than be alone. Sound familiar? See above.

I wonder if someone will love me that way, so desperately that several years after being separated, he will still be running away from intimacy? I know C. loved me, faithfully and exclusively, but did he love me with deranged passion? No, he relied on me more than anything, to provide comfort and nurturing. It was a sure and steady love.

Is my great passion somewhere out there? Or will I remain in the company of 'friends'?

Tragedy is just a mental concept, until it happens to you.

The whole of last week was an eye-opener. More than just the devastation of the storm, its reeling aftermath and the blossoming of volunteerism, I made a few personal discoveries:

1. Love does not come in one form -- It molds itself uniquely to the person/s in your life and creates an individual existence. Each and every soul attracts me in a different way; therefore, my love for the people in my life is as varied as the types of shoes in my closet. Using the same analogy, I wish I had a really comfortable love right now, but the shoe does not fit yet...

2. Acceptance is the key to moving forward -- To fight against something is only a futile attempt to deny that it exists. I will not fight how I feel, but in order to protect myself, i will not encourage it either. My hope is that Time the Healer will hold my hand through this personal journey of acceptance.

3. I don't particularly like being single. I have so much to give, but I don't have anyone to give it to. The kids have all of mommy-me, but how about the woman-me who has no one to gift herself to? It is unnerving to realize that when I have a need for real human contact&affection, I don't have anyone to turn to.

4. My spirit is made for helping out. Mothering. Sheltering. Comforting. I wish I could bottle the high I had all this week and use it to inspire me to find a more fulfilling career (what career?) direction.

Heartache.
Headache, envy, loneliness, regret, pity, longing, insecurity.
Enough please, I can't handle much more.

New Normal

Things are so different now. I felt it this weekend. The change was actually palpable.

I don't like it because I'm the only one affected. It made me feel quite alone, having to watch my words and actions, holding back, keeping my distance, pretending I didn't care. Faking nonchalance is so tiring.

Am I the only one who doesn't have a poker face? Or am I hyper sensitive much?

Got hit by bricks again the other night; had to cry it out at the worst possible time. It's been some time since it last happened but the dull ache of the constant, gaping hole in my soul is such a familiar feeling, it becomes easier each day to manage the sudden bursts of anger at the entire world and all the people who've hurt me. The insecurities are piling up and really making headway into my psyche.

This is my new normal.

Reckless August

I allow myself too much leeway on my birthday month, and I realized that I wasn't a very responsible adult. But I don't feel like being an adult, that's the problem. Still fighting against the bit...

And much to my embarrassment, I capped off the month with a pretty little experience that will mortify me to the end of my days. Why did I have to push it?? Now all I want to do is hit my head repeatedly against a wall until I knock some sense into myself.

Was asked by X, "What can you do to change?" Other than relocate, have a brain transplant or go back in time, I'm stuck with what I have. Which is a whole lot of nothing, plus worries and anxieties.

Can loneliness be the core issue? Still processing that thought...

Change of Scenery Needed

I think I'm going on strike. I try too hard, but for what.

Time to change the scenery and move on to where I'm wanted. Right, my friend? I gave it my best and I got my answer.

I pray for the fortitude to stay away. I will not reach out. That would just be pathetic, after finding out what I now know.

The Stigma Of Being A Young Widow

The title says it all. It exists and in the singles scene, it's also known as The Kiss of Death.

I feel it, I know it is the reason why I have been "rejected" at least twice, and I think it's bloody unfair.

For the record, I'm not looking for a husband. I am not looking for a father to my kids either -- they already have one and he was GREAT.

To the conflicted one who won't admit how diabolical he really is, you're another one of "those" who should have stayed far, far away from me if you didn't mean anything you were saying or doing.

And another one bites the dust.