Unresolved Anger

Someone needs to teach me how to let go of residual negative feelings.

To Blockhead: You got past my walls, you sneaky bastard. I'll give you that. Now you have to give me back the time I wasted on you. And the energy I spent second-guessing myself.

To Peter Pan: I tried to understand you. I made excuses for you. I let you get away with murder. Thank god I don't care about you anymore, I'm just pissed off that a I got taken for a ride by a douchebag (which is your new name on my phone now, btw).

To Playa: Fine, you don't sleep around, but you sure flirted around. Emotional promiscuity is still a non-negotiable. BOO.

To Eternal John: If you STILL don't know how I fit into your life, then forget it. I don't want you. I don't want your scared, little mind to force itself to be brave. You may have money, but how does that make you any happier? You are poor in joy.

To Marshmallow: I don't need another child in my life. Please act your age. But you are hot, and your gentle nature is luring me in... Will you be responsible enough to nurture a mature relationship? I have my doubts.

To C: I still can't believe you left me to these assholes. Wherever you are, I know you are laughing at my predicament. Is this cosmic justice? Is this a test? Are you missing me at all??

I will fight the shadows even if it kills me. I'm tired of all the sadness inside me and I want to be released.

Long Distance

The power of the written word, by a friend, for a friend:

"... But I wasn't kidding when I said you will be loved again. I have no doubt about it actually. I don't tend to throw platitudes about for the most part. Of course, I cannot understand the grief you must feel and will continue to feel but you are loved by a lot of people and you need to sustain yourself with that. As for existential crises, we all have them from time to time."

"... I personally love reading your blog. I guess that makes me some kind of stalker. But, I am drawn to it nevertheless. You radiate... generosity of spirit, and openness. I know that sounds corny, but I wouldn't say that about anyone. You were an absolute angel to me when we first met because I was at an absolute low point in my life at the time, without any concept of what you were going through."

"... I know, life isn't perfect. And things won't go perfectly for you all the time, so I'm not just gonna pour on the corn. And I'm still really jetlagged so I'm having trouble expressing myself again today. But I did mean it when I said these guys are out of your league... Of course there won't be anyone to match your hubby, but I think it would be good for you if they got at least somewhere within the same universe!"

"... I deal with depression and anxiety too, so I think I can relate to how you feel on some level. And I'm here to listen. One of the bad things about being away is that it makes it harder to be there for you. Anyway, I like the fact that despite my inherent conservatism, I can also be myself around you. My (bleep) is an ongoing battle but I also feel a lot better about myself than I have, and people like you help a lot. You have never judged me, which I appreciate. I can be me!"

"... My writing right now is leaden and I'm not getting to the point about purpose and all that since my brain is mush... Just keep the faith!"

GODDAMNIT...

... I spoke too soon.

Thank you R, for talking me through it. What a pep talk on self-worth, high standards and not settling for anything less than great. You revealed my harsh paranoia, yet softened the blow with words that could only be meaningful coming from a long-time friend and soul sister. You've been around long enough to know the pitfalls of my ego. But you've also been around long enough to know I am fierce when I hate, love, cry, play, dream, and protect my own... I am Leo, hear me roar?

The Merry Month of August

I almost didn't want to celebrate this year.

Money issues, responsibilities, sheer laziness, and believe it or not sadness. I started the month with a sudden realization that this will be my third birthday month alone. And that feeling has been weighing me down.

I try to look forward and most of the time I succeed. Lately though, I have been indulging myself. I feel like I needed to reconnect with my loss, and recall the pain.

I don't do it out of masochism. I do it to remind myself of the things that are important to me NOW. So here I am, back to planning a big birthday party because I remember that it has been my friends and family who have made the rest of my life worthwhile.

Whether I feel it or not, I will smile and celebrate my life and hope that gratitude fills my heart and drives the blues away.

Heartbreak Warfare

My heart is breaking for a dear, dear friend who lost his Mom, the center of his Universe. I wish I had the words to help him but I know there aren't any. Grief is such a lonely, painful journey that, unfortunately, we need to take alone. I just hope he doesn't let his regrets overwhelm him.

His texts/status updates are so desperate, I am afraid. He has said "I have no reason for living, but I am too afraid to kill myself." What is there to say that won't smack of self-righteous and patronizing obtuseness?

" Don't kill yourself, it is a sin."
" Your mom would not have wanted this for you."
" She is in a better place."
" There is still more to life."
" We are here for you whenever you need to talk."
" I will pray for you."

Frankly, these platitudes will just sound like blah blah blah while the only true thought in your head is "This is so painful, how do I make it stop?"

My friend, I hope you have the inner strength to forge ahead. I believe in you and I will wait at the sidelines until you are ready for my help.

Hiatus

Dear Blog,

I'm so sorry I've neglected you... but I finally didn't need you as much as I did before. Something happened to me these last few months; I feel like something inside me shifted and settled.

It wasn't one thing, or a few things, it was just a feeling of calmness. I wasn't running or chasing anything. I could stand in a moment and feel steady.

I will come back to you later since I have some thoughts to journalize.... But it's good to be back.


Merry Widow