Goodbye, burdensome Year of the Ox.

In many ways, 2009 was a more difficult year than 2008. The words of an elder widow ring in my ears... "Hija, it actually becomes harder over time, not better. Because you really feel the absence..." I really missed the company and quiet support of my one true fan this year. It was difficult to realize this and live it.

Making important decisions on my own introduced me to a very new emotion--self-doubt. This, I had to learn to work around. This, I had to keep from paralyzing me. It's something I will continue to work on in 2010; no more analysis paralysis.

The other new experiences of the year were so varied: high, super high, low and even lower. Whew, what an emotional rollercoaster. My psyche suffered from the stress and it manifested in my generally poor health. This will be a priority for the new year, to get well. Get fit again. May the lightness of my feet make up for the heaviness in my heart.

I estimate I lost a couple of months to numerous bouts of illness, and a couple more to a fog that I didn't foresee. I made up for it in a hyper craze only to belatedly realize I was making things worse. Hindsight is so clear -- perceptions suffers when it's colored by green and black. True clarity is the goal and good health is the first step towards it.

It was my oldest friends, people who have known me since I was too young to even know how to spell "friends", who reminded me that steady is what matters. "I may not be the funnest to hang out with, but when it really counts, I'm there." says bff-I. She's right. How many true, true friends can I really count on? Have I been true to my 2008 resolution to reconnect with old friends?

On the other hand, if there is one thing I am thankful for this year, it's for new friends. Some thrive at the fringes of my life, a few have become dear to me, the special ones have a permanent place in my heart. You each served a purpose... to teach me something about myself, to remind me, to distract me. The year would not have been the same without you.

In the midst of it all, there was my family.

No matter what I say or complain about, there is no question that I love and appreciate my family. My mom still drives me nuts, but she comes through when I really need it. At my lowest point in 2009, it was my mom who I called in tears. My dad soon followed. They continue to support me, emotionally as well as financially, patiently waiting for me to finally be able to stand on my own two feet again.

If my parents are the lyrics of the song that is my life, my sisters are the melody... They accept me, all of me, not just the fun parts. They ride my ups as much as my downs. And the thing that honors me the most is that they see a strength in me that I still can't see in myself.

They say friends are family you choose. But it also works the other way... My sisters are friends I've chosen. Thank god we all grew out of our squabbles and became sister-friends.

Why not?

My bubble is burst. Revelation, how painful you can be. Are some things better left unsaid? I asked, and this is my answer. Now I have to live with knowing where my place was all this time.

I should be angry but I'm not.

ouch

It's amazing, to both feel and not feel at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if this is just imaginary, but I cannot ignore the frustration in the pit of my stomach. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE SO AFFECTED? There must be a very strong subconscious force in play.

It's so painfully obvious that I would laugh if it didn't hurt me so much. Do people think I don't notice? Apparently I'm not as fun as I used to be. You'd think I'd built up enough credits.

A Song For My Soul

Maybe the best song John Mayer has written yet. The words hit the center of my soul.

War of my Life

Come out Angels. Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness. Bring everyone you know.

I'm not running. I'm not scared.
I am waiting and well prepared.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life.
Out of time and there's nowhere to run away.

I've got a hammer, and a heart of glass.
I got to know right now which walls to smash.

I got a pocket. Got no pill.
If fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will.

All the suffering, and all the pain
Never liked to label.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the core of my life.
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.

No more suffering.
No more pain.
Never again.

Fear and Pain are Friends

"Do you miss her?"
"Yeah, for the same reason you miss the pain... because you lived with it for so long."

Taken from the Facebook wall of someone who has too many walls himself, so high and thick I can barely sense his core, can hardly tell how he really feels about things. I know everything is a mask and I also know that he will never open up and show me what's behind it.

Was his breakup experience really so devastating? Has this ruined him for everything and everyone afterwards? She's still alive so how can this be worse than losing someone to death?

I live with a pain most people won't ever understand, but this new pain isn't the only pain I have. Dr. I. once said, you cannot let go of your long-time fears because they have become your friend. You let then control you because you'd rather be in the company of fear than be alone. Sound familiar? See above.

I wonder if someone will love me that way, so desperately that several years after being separated, he will still be running away from intimacy? I know C. loved me, faithfully and exclusively, but did he love me with deranged passion? No, he relied on me more than anything, to provide comfort and nurturing. It was a sure and steady love.

Is my great passion somewhere out there? Or will I remain in the company of 'friends'?

Tragedy is just a mental concept, until it happens to you.

The whole of last week was an eye-opener. More than just the devastation of the storm, its reeling aftermath and the blossoming of volunteerism, I made a few personal discoveries:

1. Love does not come in one form -- It molds itself uniquely to the person/s in your life and creates an individual existence. Each and every soul attracts me in a different way; therefore, my love for the people in my life is as varied as the types of shoes in my closet. Using the same analogy, I wish I had a really comfortable love right now, but the shoe does not fit yet...

2. Acceptance is the key to moving forward -- To fight against something is only a futile attempt to deny that it exists. I will not fight how I feel, but in order to protect myself, i will not encourage it either. My hope is that Time the Healer will hold my hand through this personal journey of acceptance.

3. I don't particularly like being single. I have so much to give, but I don't have anyone to give it to. The kids have all of mommy-me, but how about the woman-me who has no one to gift herself to? It is unnerving to realize that when I have a need for real human contact&affection, I don't have anyone to turn to.

4. My spirit is made for helping out. Mothering. Sheltering. Comforting. I wish I could bottle the high I had all this week and use it to inspire me to find a more fulfilling career (what career?) direction.