Simple joys have been the solution.
Thank God for giving me the peace I asked for. I ask for nothing more.

Illusions. Delusions. Masters of deception.

Always trust your gut, and that little voice inside you that says, "There's more to this".

Your spider sense should not be ignored because it is your subconscious perceptive mind sending you a warning that what you see is not necessarily truth. Plastic is everywhere. Protect yourself. Doubt the smiling faces around you.

Remember, there's fire where there's smoke. If you can smell it... it's there. Trust your instincts when all seems well but you can sense an undercurrent of ill will.

I second-guessed my feeling. I convinced myself I was paranoid because the truth was unfathomable. But it all came out in the end. Thank God for freudian slips.

The pond is poisoned!

Goodbye, burdensome Year of the Ox.

In many ways, 2009 was a more difficult year than 2008. The words of an elder widow ring in my ears... "Hija, it actually becomes harder over time, not better. Because you really feel the absence..." I really missed the company and quiet support of my one true fan this year. It was difficult to realize this and live it.

Making important decisions on my own introduced me to a very new emotion--self-doubt. This, I had to learn to work around. This, I had to keep from paralyzing me. It's something I will continue to work on in 2010; no more analysis paralysis.

The other new experiences of the year were so varied: high, super high, low and even lower. Whew, what an emotional rollercoaster. My psyche suffered from the stress and it manifested in my generally poor health. This will be a priority for the new year, to get well. Get fit again. May the lightness of my feet make up for the heaviness in my heart.

I estimate I lost a couple of months to numerous bouts of illness, and a couple more to a fog that I didn't foresee. I made up for it in a hyper craze only to belatedly realize I was making things worse. Hindsight is so clear -- perceptions suffers when it's colored by green and black. True clarity is the goal and good health is the first step towards it.

It was my oldest friends, people who have known me since I was too young to even know how to spell "friends", who reminded me that steady is what matters. "I may not be the funnest to hang out with, but when it really counts, I'm there." says bff-I. She's right. How many true, true friends can I really count on? Have I been true to my 2008 resolution to reconnect with old friends?

On the other hand, if there is one thing I am thankful for this year, it's for new friends. Some thrive at the fringes of my life, a few have become dear to me, the special ones have a permanent place in my heart. You each served a purpose... to teach me something about myself, to remind me, to distract me. The year would not have been the same without you.

In the midst of it all, there was my family.

No matter what I say or complain about, there is no question that I love and appreciate my family. My mom still drives me nuts, but she comes through when I really need it. At my lowest point in 2009, it was my mom who I called in tears. My dad soon followed. They continue to support me, emotionally as well as financially, patiently waiting for me to finally be able to stand on my own two feet again.

If my parents are the lyrics of the song that is my life, my sisters are the melody... They accept me, all of me, not just the fun parts. They ride my ups as much as my downs. And the thing that honors me the most is that they see a strength in me that I still can't see in myself.

They say friends are family you choose. But it also works the other way... My sisters are friends I've chosen. Thank god we all grew out of our squabbles and became sister-friends.

Why not?

My bubble is burst. Revelation, how painful you can be. Are some things better left unsaid? I asked, and this is my answer. Now I have to live with knowing where my place was all this time.

I should be angry but I'm not.

ouch

It's amazing, to both feel and not feel at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if this is just imaginary, but I cannot ignore the frustration in the pit of my stomach. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE SO AFFECTED? There must be a very strong subconscious force in play.

It's so painfully obvious that I would laugh if it didn't hurt me so much. Do people think I don't notice? Apparently I'm not as fun as I used to be. You'd think I'd built up enough credits.

A Song For My Soul

Maybe the best song John Mayer has written yet. The words hit the center of my soul.

War of my Life

Come out Angels. Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness. Bring everyone you know.

I'm not running. I'm not scared.
I am waiting and well prepared.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life.
Out of time and there's nowhere to run away.

I've got a hammer, and a heart of glass.
I got to know right now which walls to smash.

I got a pocket. Got no pill.
If fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will.

All the suffering, and all the pain
Never liked to label.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the core of my life.
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.

No more suffering.
No more pain.
Never again.