Tired

It's hard to explain how I really feel, but I am "tired of being tired". I'm tired of sadness. I'm tired of worry and anxiety about my future. I'm tired of having to make such an effort just too feel a bit happy. I'm tired of fighting my demons. I'm tired of being cranky with the kids because I'm stressed. I'm tired of loneliness and eating when I'm lonely. I'm tired of forcing myself to count my blessings. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of this goddam year. I'm tired of wanting what I can't have. I'm tired of feeling needy. I'm tired of crying, but that didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep last night. Again.

I had the mother of all headaches, so bad that I couldn't open my eyes and felt like throwing up, and self-pity made me cry for the third time that day. So as I was crying with my eyes shut while waiting for the advil to stop the thumping inside my head, I whispered out loud something I used to ask on a few occasions, "Ril, help me sleep." And I slept, thank you so much.

Some silly person told me yesterday, "God won't give you more than you can handle. He knows you are strong"... And while I pasted a polite smile on my face, my thought bubble screamed, "WTF". With that logic, if I became a whimpering mass of depression, then could I assume God will "spare" me of further troubles? Or did He send them my way because He knew I had too much pride and wanted to see how much I could stand before I broke down?

I talked to a man at the market yesterday too, someone who buys flowers from me regularly, and found out that his wife just died of leukemia three weeks ago after a short ten month fight. His 10 yo son was with him, and my heart broke all over again for this child I had never met before. People like to compare grief, saying it is harder for a child to lose a mother than a father, but I think it is so much harder for a woman to lose her husband.