In many ways, 2009 was a more difficult year than 2008. The words of an elder widow ring in my ears... "Hija, it actually becomes harder over time, not better. Because you really feel the absence..." I really missed the company and quiet support of my one true fan this year. It was difficult to realize this and live it.
Making important decisions on my own introduced me to a very new emotion--self-doubt. This, I had to learn to work around. This, I had to keep from paralyzing me. It's something I will continue to work on in 2010; no more analysis paralysis.
The other new experiences of the year were so varied: high, super high, low and even lower. Whew, what an emotional rollercoaster. My psyche suffered from the stress and it manifested in my generally poor health. This will be a priority for the new year, to get well. Get fit again. May the lightness of my feet make up for the heaviness in my heart.
I estimate I lost a couple of months to numerous bouts of illness, and a couple more to a fog that I didn't foresee. I made up for it in a hyper craze only to belatedly realize I was making things worse. Hindsight is so clear -- perceptions suffers when it's colored by green and black. True clarity is the goal and good health is the first step towards it.
It was my oldest friends, people who have known me since I was too young to even know how to spell "friends", who reminded me that steady is what matters. "I may not be the funnest to hang out with, but when it really counts, I'm there." says bff-I. She's right. How many true, true friends can I really count on? Have I been true to my 2008 resolution to reconnect with old friends?
On the other hand, if there is one thing I am thankful for this year, it's for new friends. Some thrive at the fringes of my life, a few have become dear to me, the special ones have a permanent place in my heart. You each served a purpose... to teach me something about myself, to remind me, to distract me. The year would not have been the same without you.
In the midst of it all, there was my family.
No matter what I say or complain about, there is no question that I love and appreciate my family. My mom still drives me nuts, but she comes through when I really need it. At my lowest point in 2009, it was my mom who I called in tears. My dad soon followed. They continue to support me, emotionally as well as financially, patiently waiting for me to finally be able to stand on my own two feet again.
If my parents are the lyrics of the song that is my life, my sisters are the melody... They accept me, all of me, not just the fun parts. They ride my ups as much as my downs. And the thing that honors me the most is that they see a strength in me that I still can't see in myself.
They say friends are family you choose. But it also works the other way... My sisters are friends I've chosen. Thank god we all grew out of our squabbles and became sister-friends.