When I Fall, I Fall Hard

I slipped on the wet front steps of my building last night. I don't think I've ever fallen like that before. It was PAINFUL and I think it's a miracle I didn't break a bone or my skull. I stepped down and I split second later, my body crashed down hard on the marble edge.

A friend was with me, and there was a bystander. They both saw my fall and it freaked them out. After a minute, I was able to stand. After a few more minutes, I was able to move. I started to get dizzy and clammy. I was escorted back upstairs and I promptly fainted onto the couch.

I've read about the body's reaction to trauma and I knew this was adrenalin pumping then making me crash. I seriously considered going to the hospital and I cried from the pain, but I was aware enough to determine if I had any serious injuries. Taking stock, my left arm was bruised and useless so I put it in a sling and kept it immobile overnight. The main impact was on my left butt and I could not walk. I was dizzy, but not because I hit my head. I was clammy and my heart was pounding (still the adrenalin). There was a loud buzzing inside my head, like a hive of bees.

This morning I woke up to see a long, horizontal hematoma across my left butt. Seeing where the worst bruising was just convinced me even more that I was saved by my guardian angel. One inch to the right and I would have slammed down on my tailbone instead of the biggest muscle in the human body. Thinking about what could have happened is freaking me out more than anything else. It was so sudden. I literally could have been paralyzed with a broken spine or hurt with a head injury. Why my head did not slam backwards on the marble as my feet flew up is pure dumb luck aka, my guardian angel.

A voice inside me is saying I was meant to fall to jolt me out of my melancholy. But I am more melancholic now, plus I hurt all over and cant walk. What the fuck.

Welcome August, my birth month, Ghost month and Ramadan. It looks like a painful month ahead.

On The Edge of Happy

I don't have the words to describe how I feel today. All I know is that I am crying and that I am angry at myself. The year was going so well, then BAM, here comes someone to ruin it all, to create ripples in my peaceful pond. Be strong. Focus on what's more important. Do not let your insecurity rule you. Have faith that there is someone out there who will love me for me, 2011 me with all my complications. There is a lead ball in my chest where my heart used to be :(

P.S.

I can't believe I'm in this situation again. I really cannot believe I let myself get hooked. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

I've missed you.

Dear Blog, don't be angry. I have been happy and did not need your pages to cry on. But like a good friend, you are here for me when I need you. And I really need to cry on your pages today. I feel so stupid. And rejected. I really thought I had met someone I could actually attempt a relationship with, but no go. After a painfully awkward and supremely humiliating conversation, we realized we had very different expectations. As usual, my head was already in the clouds while his were low and close to earth. I don't blame him. Who really wants to be with someone like me? I come with so much baggage. I'm getting older. I have children. I'm a widow... Most guys, in their innermost thoughts, will think "used goods". That's just the reality, and it hurts like a bitch. So now I have to pull out all my tools for coping. Help me Lord, to use this experience as another way to learn. To truly love myself, value my worth, hope for the best but be content with what I already have. The evil side of me keeps whispering "hate him", but I know he doesn't deserve any blame. He is young and this experience will teach him to tread more carefully around women who are vulnerable. I think he was a bit shaken. Yeah, he will remember for the rest of his life. I've served a purpose. I am thankful though that I spoke up this early. I dread to think of how much worse it could have felt later on, after a bigger emotional investment. And I am also thankful that he is capable of walking away without a backward glance. I cannot do that, but he can and will and he has offered to be the bad guy. I have two days to think about this and you will be my sounding board, dear Blog, because I dare not talk to anyone about this... My pride has taken an extraordinary beating and I wish to preserve my dignity.