Monday, March 30, 2009

That's What Friends Are For...

... to help you get through difficult times with a smile on your face and gratefulness in your heart. Thank you to all the people who, over the past few years, propped me up and kept me from tipping over into a pit of despair.

I took time to think about our doctor's in Indiana -- Dr. Rafat Abonour (love him), Dr. Lawrence Einhorn, and Dr. Anuj Agarwalla, my favorite resident! -- and I hope I remember to write them a little note in remembrance. The transplant nurses were such amazing people and I wish I could go back to give them all hugs, as many as they gave me all throughout. Maddie and her whole crazy family were another godsend, as was the beautiful, equally-nutty Nicolas family!(still can't believe Tony made me work a shotgun in the woods, lol)

I've wondered about this before, about why the experience at IU was so much better than any of the multiple ones at MSK. Sure, the doctors at Sloan couldn't be any better, given their reputation and expertise, but it was the people at Indiana who really made everything a human (and humane) experience.

I will be eternally grateful to Dr. Einhorn for giving us HOPE when everyone else had given up. That's why he continues to be such a pioneer in his field.

To all my other friends, here and all over the world, who wrote me and sent me photos, mass cards, silly text messages... who hung out with me, forced me to go out, didn't judge me and my coping methods... who took the time be with my kids, made them feel loved... who continue to talk about Cyril and all his hobbies, quirks and accomplishments... I love you all :)

Friday, March 27, 2009


My doctor was right, there are some things you just can't run away from. Quiet times are the worst :( Looking back, remembering the horrible wait and the end... Every minute is still so clear in my mind and in my heart. Tomorrow is so :((

Thursday, March 12, 2009

foul language warning:


I try every single day to work hard, provide for the kids, be able to support a normal lifestyle... I don't overspend, I watch my money, I try to plan activities that are fun but don't cost a lot...I have pride that I've been able to create a financial plan that just might work, that I could be debt-free one day soon, that I live within my means... I SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!...because even if all I was left with was debt, my husband also taught me how to make money... It's been a challenging last couple of months, with a big portion of my salary from other work not coming in because the company is not doing well in this crisis.. In other words, I've been dipping into savings...and I've been worrying about tuition.... but at the back of my mind, I knew I had some emergency money tucked away...

Problem now is, that extra money, in US dollars, hidden in a secret drawer, literally tucked away.... WAS STOLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus Effin Christ, can't a girl get a break here??????? Hello? Is anyone up there listening to me????????

Gee, thanks for leaving behind a thousand dollars, how kind of you to leave some money behind... tuition has just disappeared into thin air, just like my labandera who never came home from her day off...

Sure, we're not talking about a lot of money here, but to me, someone who hasn't been a single mother for a year yet, that was extra important rightnow. I don't give a shit how poor anyone is, this is the savings I have worked hard to preserve, to give me room to breathe every month, always knowing that I had something tucked away (literally) for emergencies.

I've vented already, now all I can think is, when, when, WHEN will things start to get better for me? Because dammit, the punches just haven't stopped coming and I'm tired of it all.

Hate the thought that I may have to ask for help, which is something I REALLY REALLY wanted to avoid. Still have to renew my dollar health insurance, which is especially impt because of Margaret's recent cancer diagnosis. Forget any grand vacations this summer. I realize other people have bigger problems, but I need to vent before I can accept the fact that I've been forced to take two steps back.


Monday, March 9, 2009


My new favorite word!

Poof... like the people/friends/"family" who suddenly disappeared from my life when my husband died. Where have you all gone?

Poof... like promises of help that were made and never acted on.

Poof... like the honoring of my husband's birthday and upcoming death anniversary by others.

Poof... like the hopes I had that I could secure my kids' future...

Poof... like the sense of health within my own family -- cancer (again)!

Poof... like the feeling of calm most people enjoy before sleep at night which I've had to say adieu to.

Poof... like the respect I used to have for certain people who have, in the last year, proven that they are useless, self-absorbed human beings.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Happy Birthday

So many people are remembering you today... We're all going out to eat later after Mass with Lolo, Lola and The Arnies. I hope you don't mind but I think we'll stick some birthday ribbons on the crypt.

You know what I want for your birthday, ok?