Sunday, July 31, 2011

On The Edge of Happy

I don't have the words to describe how I feel today. All I know is that I am crying and that I am angry at myself. The year was going so well, then BAM, here comes someone to ruin it all, to create ripples in my peaceful pond. Be strong. Focus on what's more important. Do not let your insecurity rule you. Have faith that there is someone out there who will love me for me, 2011 me with all my complications. There is a lead ball in my chest where my heart used to be :(

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I can't believe I'm in this situation again. I really cannot believe I let myself get hooked. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

I've missed you.

Dear Blog, don't be angry. I have been happy and did not need your pages to cry on. But like a good friend, you are here for me when I need you. And I really need to cry on your pages today. I feel so stupid. And rejected. I really thought I had met someone I could actually attempt a relationship with, but no go. After a painfully awkward and supremely humiliating conversation, we realized we had very different expectations. As usual, my head was already in the clouds while his were low and close to earth. I don't blame him. Who really wants to be with someone like me? I come with so much baggage. I'm getting older. I have children. I'm a widow... Most guys, in their innermost thoughts, will think "used goods". That's just the reality, and it hurts like a bitch. So now I have to pull out all my tools for coping. Help me Lord, to use this experience as another way to learn. To truly love myself, value my worth, hope for the best but be content with what I already have. The evil side of me keeps whispering "hate him", but I know he doesn't deserve any blame. He is young and this experience will teach him to tread more carefully around women who are vulnerable. I think he was a bit shaken. Yeah, he will remember for the rest of his life. I've served a purpose. I am thankful though that I spoke up this early. I dread to think of how much worse it could have felt later on, after a bigger emotional investment. And I am also thankful that he is capable of walking away without a backward glance. I cannot do that, but he can and will and he has offered to be the bad guy. I have two days to think about this and you will be my sounding board, dear Blog, because I dare not talk to anyone about this... My pride has taken an extraordinary beating and I wish to preserve my dignity.