Monday, November 8, 2010

Weeds and Seeds

Same time last year, the same thing happened.

I thinned the proverbial garden of weeds, left the garden to heal, then watched as the new year welcomed fresh growth. So now, I am thinning the garden once again... I know that there will be rough patches... but I have faith that something new will come to bloom in the empty spaces.

What could have I done differently this year? I should have been more diligent in fertilizing new ground. I should not have allowed any weeds to grow back in my garden. I should have spent more time concentrating on consistent, daily care rather than dreaming about the harvest.

It all starts with a seed, but that seed needs roots before it can grow. Lord, help me grow roots so that I may gain strength.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Flowers To Avoid

There are people who face issues head on, and there are those who fold like a shrinking violet.

You, my friend, are a world-class shrinking violet. How sad that you are pretty but your spine is too soft to stand straight. You bruise easily under the softest pressure too. Poor are the people who admire you from afar, only to come close and see your true smallness.

You may now join the club of Morning Glory, Mimosa aka makahiya, and night-blooming Water Lily.

One is perky, colorful and vibrant in the beginning (of the day) but as soon as it feels the heat (of the sun), it closes up and selfishly keeps its color to itself.

Another shuts its leaves upon any touch (intimacy), and even has thorns to further protect it from "harm".

And the last one blooms stunning (only at night) when it is alone and the rest of the world is asleep. It hides its true beauty by pretending to be a useless pod during the day.

I wish I could meet a chrysanthemum -- Not my usual type (of flower) but it has a strong stem, abundant dark leaves and lots of layers (of petals). It doesn't smell either, neither good nor bad. I can live with that, and its dependable lushness. I have no need for the exotic, the hard to find or the false.

My dear Chrysanthemum, you have the ability to replace the dead rose in my heart...

Friday, October 8, 2010

Dear Food,

You are the one constant in my life.

If there is something wrong with you, it's 100% my fault. I probably didn't treat you right.

You are there in good times and bad, and I can't imagine laughing or crying without you.

Satisfaction in your company is a given, not just a possibility.

I would never throw you away! Every part of you is important and I cherish you always.

You are so important to me that I would choose you over other people.

You fill me up, in more ways than one.

Even when you're bad for me, I still want you!

You helped me raise my boys to be strong, and fast, and smart, and healthy.

If you could talk back, I'm sure you would say I Love You Too.


Merry Widow

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Vitriol Alert!

I think this is the end for someone who has been in and out of my life for years. We yelled over the phone two days ago and I haven't heard a peep since. I don't think I will be missed. Strike One.

I was supposed to meet a friend tonight, but major flake. I guess getting drunk with OTHER friends is more important. Strike Two.

And finally, I have to accept the fact that another person has judged me, thought less than more, and walked away without a backward glance. What a fraud. Strike Three.

It's so sad that people are continuously disappointing me, to the point that I am considering just retreating and giving up on them! If I don't do this, I will not be able to preserve my idealism/joy/hope/wonder.

I do not want to be a cynic, or cynical. I want to be who I was when I was younger -- naive, unspoilt, invincible. To preserve my happy self, I have to make sacrifices that may hurt in the beginning. But my hope is that over time, less people will have the power to bring me down.

It's true what they say that when you allow people into your life, you also give them the power to hurt you. No more. The walls are back up.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Unresolved Anger

Someone needs to teach me how to let go of residual negative feelings.

To Blockhead: You got past my walls, you sneaky bastard. I'll give you that. Now you have to give me back the time I wasted on you. And the energy I spent second-guessing myself.

To Peter Pan: I tried to understand you. I made excuses for you. I let you get away with murder. Thank god I don't care about you anymore, I'm just pissed off that a I got taken for a ride by a douchebag (which is your new name on my phone now, btw).

To Playa: Fine, you don't sleep around, but you sure flirted around. Emotional promiscuity is still a non-negotiable. BOO.

To Eternal John: If you STILL don't know how I fit into your life, then forget it. I don't want you. I don't want your scared, little mind to force itself to be brave. You may have money, but how does that make you any happier? You are poor in joy.

To Marshmallow: I don't need another child in my life. Please act your age. But you are hot, and your gentle nature is luring me in... Will you be responsible enough to nurture a mature relationship? I have my doubts.

To C: I still can't believe you left me to these assholes. Wherever you are, I know you are laughing at my predicament. Is this cosmic justice? Is this a test? Are you missing me at all??

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I will fight the shadows even if it kills me. I'm tired of all the sadness inside me and I want to be released.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Long Distance

The power of the written word, by a friend, for a friend:

"... But I wasn't kidding when I said you will be loved again. I have no doubt about it actually. I don't tend to throw platitudes about for the most part. Of course, I cannot understand the grief you must feel and will continue to feel but you are loved by a lot of people and you need to sustain yourself with that. As for existential crises, we all have them from time to time."

"... I personally love reading your blog. I guess that makes me some kind of stalker. But, I am drawn to it nevertheless. You radiate... generosity of spirit, and openness. I know that sounds corny, but I wouldn't say that about anyone. You were an absolute angel to me when we first met because I was at an absolute low point in my life at the time, without any concept of what you were going through."

"... I know, life isn't perfect. And things won't go perfectly for you all the time, so I'm not just gonna pour on the corn. And I'm still really jetlagged so I'm having trouble expressing myself again today. But I did mean it when I said these guys are out of your league... Of course there won't be anyone to match your hubby, but I think it would be good for you if they got at least somewhere within the same universe!"

"... I deal with depression and anxiety too, so I think I can relate to how you feel on some level. And I'm here to listen. One of the bad things about being away is that it makes it harder to be there for you. Anyway, I like the fact that despite my inherent conservatism, I can also be myself around you. My (bleep) is an ongoing battle but I also feel a lot better about myself than I have, and people like you help a lot. You have never judged me, which I appreciate. I can be me!"

"... My writing right now is leaden and I'm not getting to the point about purpose and all that since my brain is mush... Just keep the faith!"

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


... I spoke too soon.

Thank you R, for talking me through it. What a pep talk on self-worth, high standards and not settling for anything less than great. You revealed my harsh paranoia, yet softened the blow with words that could only be meaningful coming from a long-time friend and soul sister. You've been around long enough to know the pitfalls of my ego. But you've also been around long enough to know I am fierce when I hate, love, cry, play, dream, and protect my own... I am Leo, hear me roar?

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Merry Month of August

I almost didn't want to celebrate this year.

Money issues, responsibilities, sheer laziness, and believe it or not sadness. I started the month with a sudden realization that this will be my third birthday month alone. And that feeling has been weighing me down.

I try to look forward and most of the time I succeed. Lately though, I have been indulging myself. I feel like I needed to reconnect with my loss, and recall the pain.

I don't do it out of masochism. I do it to remind myself of the things that are important to me NOW. So here I am, back to planning a big birthday party because I remember that it has been my friends and family who have made the rest of my life worthwhile.

Whether I feel it or not, I will smile and celebrate my life and hope that gratitude fills my heart and drives the blues away.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Heartbreak Warfare

My heart is breaking for a dear, dear friend who lost his Mom, the center of his Universe. I wish I had the words to help him but I know there aren't any. Grief is such a lonely, painful journey that, unfortunately, we need to take alone. I just hope he doesn't let his regrets overwhelm him.

His texts/status updates are so desperate, I am afraid. He has said "I have no reason for living, but I am too afraid to kill myself." What is there to say that won't smack of self-righteous and patronizing obtuseness?

" Don't kill yourself, it is a sin."
" Your mom would not have wanted this for you."
" She is in a better place."
" There is still more to life."
" We are here for you whenever you need to talk."
" I will pray for you."

Frankly, these platitudes will just sound like blah blah blah while the only true thought in your head is "This is so painful, how do I make it stop?"

My friend, I hope you have the inner strength to forge ahead. I believe in you and I will wait at the sidelines until you are ready for my help.

Monday, July 5, 2010


Dear Blog,

I'm so sorry I've neglected you... but I finally didn't need you as much as I did before. Something happened to me these last few months; I feel like something inside me shifted and settled.

It wasn't one thing, or a few things, it was just a feeling of calmness. I wasn't running or chasing anything. I could stand in a moment and feel steady.

I will come back to you later since I have some thoughts to journalize.... But it's good to be back.

Merry Widow

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Yes, that feels so much better... One less albatross around my neck. I wish i did it sooner, but I guess there is a right time and place for everything. And the most amazing thing is how light I feel... like a real physical weight was lifted off my chest. Who knew?

Goodbye Negativity. We are no longer friends.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Simple joys have been the solution.
Thank God for giving me the peace I asked for. I ask for nothing more.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Illusions. Delusions. Masters of deception.

Always trust your gut, and that little voice inside you that says, "There's more to this".

Your spider sense should not be ignored because it is your subconscious perceptive mind sending you a warning that what you see is not necessarily truth. Plastic is everywhere. Protect yourself. Doubt the smiling faces around you.

Remember, there's fire where there's smoke. If you can smell it... it's there. Trust your instincts when all seems well but you can sense an undercurrent of ill will.

I second-guessed my feeling. I convinced myself I was paranoid because the truth was unfathomable. But it all came out in the end. Thank God for freudian slips.

The pond is poisoned!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Goodbye, burdensome Year of the Ox.

In many ways, 2009 was a more difficult year than 2008. The words of an elder widow ring in my ears... "Hija, it actually becomes harder over time, not better. Because you really feel the absence..." I really missed the company and quiet support of my one true fan this year. It was difficult to realize this and live it.

Making important decisions on my own introduced me to a very new emotion--self-doubt. This, I had to learn to work around. This, I had to keep from paralyzing me. It's something I will continue to work on in 2010; no more analysis paralysis.

The other new experiences of the year were so varied: high, super high, low and even lower. Whew, what an emotional rollercoaster. My psyche suffered from the stress and it manifested in my generally poor health. This will be a priority for the new year, to get well. Get fit again. May the lightness of my feet make up for the heaviness in my heart.

I estimate I lost a couple of months to numerous bouts of illness, and a couple more to a fog that I didn't foresee. I made up for it in a hyper craze only to belatedly realize I was making things worse. Hindsight is so clear -- perceptions suffers when it's colored by green and black. True clarity is the goal and good health is the first step towards it.

It was my oldest friends, people who have known me since I was too young to even know how to spell "friends", who reminded me that steady is what matters. "I may not be the funnest to hang out with, but when it really counts, I'm there." says bff-I. She's right. How many true, true friends can I really count on? Have I been true to my 2008 resolution to reconnect with old friends?

On the other hand, if there is one thing I am thankful for this year, it's for new friends. Some thrive at the fringes of my life, a few have become dear to me, the special ones have a permanent place in my heart. You each served a purpose... to teach me something about myself, to remind me, to distract me. The year would not have been the same without you.

In the midst of it all, there was my family.

No matter what I say or complain about, there is no question that I love and appreciate my family. My mom still drives me nuts, but she comes through when I really need it. At my lowest point in 2009, it was my mom who I called in tears. My dad soon followed. They continue to support me, emotionally as well as financially, patiently waiting for me to finally be able to stand on my own two feet again.

If my parents are the lyrics of the song that is my life, my sisters are the melody... They accept me, all of me, not just the fun parts. They ride my ups as much as my downs. And the thing that honors me the most is that they see a strength in me that I still can't see in myself.

They say friends are family you choose. But it also works the other way... My sisters are friends I've chosen. Thank god we all grew out of our squabbles and became sister-friends.