Why not?

My bubble is burst. Revelation, how painful you can be. Are some things better left unsaid? I asked, and this is my answer. Now I have to live with knowing where my place was all this time.

I should be angry but I'm not.

ouch

It's amazing, to both feel and not feel at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if this is just imaginary, but I cannot ignore the frustration in the pit of my stomach. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE SO AFFECTED? There must be a very strong subconscious force in play.

It's so painfully obvious that I would laugh if it didn't hurt me so much. Do people think I don't notice? Apparently I'm not as fun as I used to be. You'd think I'd built up enough credits.

A Song For My Soul

Maybe the best song John Mayer has written yet. The words hit the center of my soul.

War of my Life

Come out Angels. Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness. Bring everyone you know.

I'm not running. I'm not scared.
I am waiting and well prepared.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life.
Out of time and there's nowhere to run away.

I've got a hammer, and a heart of glass.
I got to know right now which walls to smash.

I got a pocket. Got no pill.
If fear hasn't killed me yet then nothing will.

All the suffering, and all the pain
Never liked to label.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the core of my life.
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done.

No more suffering.
No more pain.
Never again.

Fear and Pain are Friends

"Do you miss her?"
"Yeah, for the same reason you miss the pain... because you lived with it for so long."

Taken from the Facebook wall of someone who has too many walls himself, so high and thick I can barely sense his core, can hardly tell how he really feels about things. I know everything is a mask and I also know that he will never open up and show me what's behind it.

Was his breakup experience really so devastating? Has this ruined him for everything and everyone afterwards? She's still alive so how can this be worse than losing someone to death?

I live with a pain most people won't ever understand, but this new pain isn't the only pain I have. Dr. I. once said, you cannot let go of your long-time fears because they have become your friend. You let then control you because you'd rather be in the company of fear than be alone. Sound familiar? See above.

I wonder if someone will love me that way, so desperately that several years after being separated, he will still be running away from intimacy? I know C. loved me, faithfully and exclusively, but did he love me with deranged passion? No, he relied on me more than anything, to provide comfort and nurturing. It was a sure and steady love.

Is my great passion somewhere out there? Or will I remain in the company of 'friends'?

Tragedy is just a mental concept, until it happens to you.

The whole of last week was an eye-opener. More than just the devastation of the storm, its reeling aftermath and the blossoming of volunteerism, I made a few personal discoveries:

1. Love does not come in one form -- It molds itself uniquely to the person/s in your life and creates an individual existence. Each and every soul attracts me in a different way; therefore, my love for the people in my life is as varied as the types of shoes in my closet. Using the same analogy, I wish I had a really comfortable love right now, but the shoe does not fit yet...

2. Acceptance is the key to moving forward -- To fight against something is only a futile attempt to deny that it exists. I will not fight how I feel, but in order to protect myself, i will not encourage it either. My hope is that Time the Healer will hold my hand through this personal journey of acceptance.

3. I don't particularly like being single. I have so much to give, but I don't have anyone to give it to. The kids have all of mommy-me, but how about the woman-me who has no one to gift herself to? It is unnerving to realize that when I have a need for real human contact&affection, I don't have anyone to turn to.

4. My spirit is made for helping out. Mothering. Sheltering. Comforting. I wish I could bottle the high I had all this week and use it to inspire me to find a more fulfilling career (what career?) direction.

Heartache.
Headache, envy, loneliness, regret, pity, longing, insecurity.
Enough please, I can't handle much more.

New Normal

Things are so different now. I felt it this weekend. The change was actually palpable.

I don't like it because I'm the only one affected. It made me feel quite alone, having to watch my words and actions, holding back, keeping my distance, pretending I didn't care. Faking nonchalance is so tiring.

Am I the only one who doesn't have a poker face? Or am I hyper sensitive much?

Got hit by bricks again the other night; had to cry it out at the worst possible time. It's been some time since it last happened but the dull ache of the constant, gaping hole in my soul is such a familiar feeling, it becomes easier each day to manage the sudden bursts of anger at the entire world and all the people who've hurt me. The insecurities are piling up and really making headway into my psyche.

This is my new normal.

Reckless August

I allow myself too much leeway on my birthday month, and I realized that I wasn't a very responsible adult. But I don't feel like being an adult, that's the problem. Still fighting against the bit...

And much to my embarrassment, I capped off the month with a pretty little experience that will mortify me to the end of my days. Why did I have to push it?? Now all I want to do is hit my head repeatedly against a wall until I knock some sense into myself.

Was asked by X, "What can you do to change?" Other than relocate, have a brain transplant or go back in time, I'm stuck with what I have. Which is a whole lot of nothing, plus worries and anxieties.

Can loneliness be the core issue? Still processing that thought...

Change of Scenery Needed

I think I'm going on strike. I try too hard, but for what.

Time to change the scenery and move on to where I'm wanted. Right, my friend? I gave it my best and I got my answer.

I pray for the fortitude to stay away. I will not reach out. That would just be pathetic, after finding out what I now know.

The Stigma Of Being A Young Widow

The title says it all. It exists and in the singles scene, it's also known as The Kiss of Death.

I feel it, I know it is the reason why I have been "rejected" at least twice, and I think it's bloody unfair.

For the record, I'm not looking for a husband. I am not looking for a father to my kids either -- they already have one and he was GREAT.

To the conflicted one who won't admit how diabolical he really is, you're another one of "those" who should have stayed far, far away from me if you didn't mean anything you were saying or doing.

And another one bites the dust.

Putting two and two together...

I had a lightbulb moment tonight, the oddest thing... I think I have been mistaken as a Facebook stalker!!! hahahaha

That should explain a few things. What helped put it all together? Bits and pieces of a convo I overheard months ago, the overall timing of things, learning about a new app called stalkercheck, then another convo with a common friend tonight.

Hey, admittedly, there are some profiles I like to check way more often than others, but isn't Facebook supposed to be anonymous? We can secretly voyeur with glee? Apparently some geek has created an app that eliminates the comfortable feeling of Facebook... We might as well all go back to Friendster.

Would you be creeped out if you found out that I was checking your profile more than once a day? What if I'm just curious?? Or bored? I'm not calling. Or texting. Or emailing. Or IMing...

Fine, I am a Facebook stalker. Whatever.

Remiss

I've been absent. AWOL. Cocooning.

This week has been a test of sorts, and I believe I earned a passing grade. I think the issue with X is finally over, my reaction to Y has finally turned from a self-esteem issue to "what was I thinking??", and I have stripped my head of ideas re Z.

A new opportunity came my way, some sort of cosmic reward for emptying my head? Did I make space for something that was there all along?

I'm keeping an eye on myself though, just to make sure things don't turn manic. I don't want to be extreme because I don't like how it feels when it swings back down. I'm looking for a steady center.

It helps that I'm feeling less sick, less foggy. I can concentrate now. I will concentrate on work for the time being, as I strive to find my steady center. I will!

What now?

For the first time in weeks, I feel like I'm out of the fog. Thanks to double-dosing.

Now I have to face the things I put on hold for 3 weeks. Actually, things I've put off for a year.

I need a lawyer.

triggered

Back to the pros, and had to accept the diagnosis. Sad.

How Could You Be So Heartless?

Something inside me was broken, by a person who should have had no power over me. After everything I've been through, I was undone by someone who was no one and nobody to me. Someone who should have stayed far, far away, and continued to be neither friend nor enemy.

I have felt heartbreak like most people have never felt and I survived intact. INTACT! How embarrassing to be laid low like this, by this. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to believe. To be fooled, perhaps? To be lead down a path, only to be suddenly abandoned?

This is me. Vulnerable. Played. Undone.

Train Wreck

She saw it coming, a mile away from where she stood, a shiny, new train on a collision course with disaster. It was the shrill sound of screeching metal that first made her look to the west.

She stood immobile. Fascinated by the exhilarating speed of a train that lost it's power to stop. She glanced down the track and saw the parked train at the station. Bells shrieked, people were yelling.

That moment before impact was like a pause - the force of the moment sucked in sound, then spewed it out as the world exploded with a force that rocked her body from paralysis. She stumbled backward and stepped on the flowers she had just replanted this morning. A split-second thought crossed her mind, "Oh, what a waste."

She regained her balance with a shaky breath and looked towards the smoke and fire. How does something like this happen? Why couldn't the driver stop? Why did she have to be witness?

She turned away and wished she was anywhere else but here.

Tearjerker

Movies don't make me cry, but sometimes a good tearjerker comes along and I bawl like a real chick. I cried way too much than normal tonight while watching a dvd movie of a book I had already read. But I forgot how the story ended so the tragic ending blindsided me and took me back, in a very bittersweet way. Enough with the all-too-real love stories.

Here's looking forward to Transformers 2, Terminator Salvation and another screening of Star Trek. Live long and prosper!

Time for Change

Today, I feel the burden of responsibility very heavily. Coming home and facing all the problems you left behind is quite a feeling.

I know the my status quo is temporary, but I've been on pause for too long. Something has to change, but I can't put a finger to it... What a mess, to not even know what you want!

I thought that visiting with sis and being away for a while would give me time to think, but the trip turned into a denial fest full of fun. Fantasy lures with her siren song.

For those who know that I only write when I'm bothered, take this as a tipping point... I woke up with a start this morning, with a thought of startling clarity -- There is something fundamentally wrong with the way I'm living my life.

I don't want to skim through life, settling all along the way. I don't want to be guided by desires, laziness, rebellion, anger and regret. I need to be able to find true passion, integrity and focus in my daily life. I need this to happen for me, because for far too long, I've been dependent on the trivial. I've lost sight.

Maybe it's time for me to start praying again.

Silly Girl (have I used this title yet?)

Had a good chat with S, and she is so wise about life... I have a feeling that while she listens to me, her thought bubble says "what a silly, silly girl". But she is cool, and worldly, and oh-so-blase, and I wish I could practice the patience she insists I develop for my own good.

She is also undergoing change in her life, and the amazing part is, she has the strength and power to turn her back on things that she cannot live with. She seems happier now, and glad to give me advice. One day I should see her alone, without T. Her, me and a pitcher of margaritas sounds like a pretty good happy hour....

Chiz

It's remarkable how quickly any bit of news/gossip/intrigue travels. There is barely any smoke and people are already speculating about fire! Wow. Gotta be so careful nowadays.

Ambiguous

There's nothing like coming home from a vacation to make you feel both glad and sad. Ahh well, give it a day. In the morning I'll definitely be back to cranky mode. I don't even want to think about the 'monkey wrench'. But tonight, had a chat with M and he jogged my memory about past behavior, missed chances, being brave. What a nice person. Tried to convince him to come to Manila to visit, we'll see! This, I am not ambiguous about.

my movie life

Okay, I'm officially confused.
Plus, I'm so cranky. PMS?

Time to crack out my special coping tools. Or just imagine all the people in this world who are more confused and crankier than I am. I must be a recurring character in a ridiculous Cohen brothers movie... downgraded from The Matrix where people actually had a choice between red and blue.

Talking to X helps to a degree, but how can X really contribute to the solution when X is part of the problem?

Maybe I should trawl though Facebook photos 'til the sun rises -- skip the S for one night and see what happens.

Or hey, maybe I can double the S and just put myself out of my misery for half a day. I'll wake up with a funny feeling, I'm sure. Very Groundhog Day. Anyone ever see the original french (?) short movie that the movie was based on? No happy Bill Murray ending there. The poor man kept waking up standing in the middle of a traffic intersection holding his briefcase. It drove him crazy, to the point that he killed himself. Screen goes black. Then fades into him standing in the traffic intersection once again. I still have NIGHTMARES about this....

April's Fool

Had to make a very serious decision about something, and it's so difficult to keep to it. I know I had to do this, for the sake of moving forward. Didn't realize until I stepped away that it was so toxic. Strangely glad to be traveling a lot this month so I can put some literal distance and give myself time to think about other things -- the kids, work, Margaret...

Good-bye March. Let's hope that April doesn't prove me a fool.

ps. No guys, I'm not going to tell you about this. Yet. lol

That's What Friends Are For...

... to help you get through difficult times with a smile on your face and gratefulness in your heart. Thank you to all the people who, over the past few years, propped me up and kept me from tipping over into a pit of despair.

I took time to think about our doctor's in Indiana -- Dr. Rafat Abonour (love him), Dr. Lawrence Einhorn, and Dr. Anuj Agarwalla, my favorite resident! -- and I hope I remember to write them a little note in remembrance. The transplant nurses were such amazing people and I wish I could go back to give them all hugs, as many as they gave me all throughout. Maddie and her whole crazy family were another godsend, as was the beautiful, equally-nutty Nicolas family!(still can't believe Tony made me work a shotgun in the woods, lol)

I've wondered about this before, about why the experience at IU was so much better than any of the multiple ones at MSK. Sure, the doctors at Sloan couldn't be any better, given their reputation and expertise, but it was the people at Indiana who really made everything a human (and humane) experience.

I will be eternally grateful to Dr. Einhorn for giving us HOPE when everyone else had given up. That's why he continues to be such a pioneer in his field.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Einhorn
http://www.wkkf.org/default.aspx?tabid=119&CID=297&ItemID=20&NID=181&LanguageID=0
https://www.piedmontmountainsidehospital.org/diw/Content.asp?PageID=DIW009014

To all my other friends, here and all over the world, who wrote me and sent me photos, mass cards, silly text messages... who hung out with me, forced me to go out, didn't judge me and my coping methods... who took the time be with my kids, made them feel loved... who continue to talk about Cyril and all his hobbies, quirks and accomplishments... I love you all :)

Anniversary

My doctor was right, there are some things you just can't run away from. Quiet times are the worst :( Looking back, remembering the horrible wait and the end... Every minute is still so clear in my mind and in my heart. Tomorrow is so :((

foul language warning:

I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!

I try every single day to work hard, provide for the kids, be able to support a normal lifestyle... I don't overspend, I watch my money, I try to plan activities that are fun but don't cost a lot...I have pride that I've been able to create a financial plan that just might work, that I could be debt-free one day soon, that I live within my means... I SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!...because even if all I was left with was debt, my husband also taught me how to make money... It's been a challenging last couple of months, with a big portion of my salary from other work not coming in because the company is not doing well in this crisis.. In other words, I've been dipping into savings...and I've been worrying about tuition.... but at the back of my mind, I knew I had some emergency money tucked away...

Problem now is, that extra money, in US dollars, hidden in a secret drawer, literally tucked away.... WAS STOLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus Effin Christ, can't a girl get a break here??????? Hello? Is anyone up there listening to me????????

Gee, thanks for leaving behind a thousand dollars, how kind of you to leave some money behind... tuition has just disappeared into thin air, just like my labandera who never came home from her day off...

Sure, we're not talking about a lot of money here, but to me, someone who hasn't been a single mother for a year yet, that was extra important rightnow. I don't give a shit how poor anyone is, this is the savings I have worked hard to preserve, to give me room to breathe every month, always knowing that I had something tucked away (literally) for emergencies.

I've vented already, now all I can think is, when, when, WHEN will things start to get better for me? Because dammit, the punches just haven't stopped coming and I'm tired of it all.

Hate the thought that I may have to ask for help, which is something I REALLY REALLY wanted to avoid. Still have to renew my dollar health insurance, which is especially impt because of Margaret's recent cancer diagnosis. Forget any grand vacations this summer. I realize other people have bigger problems, but I need to vent before I can accept the fact that I've been forced to take two steps back.

!%*^%#J&*!$^&@*#$!

*poof*

My new favorite word!

Poof... like the people/friends/"family" who suddenly disappeared from my life when my husband died. Where have you all gone?

Poof... like promises of help that were made and never acted on.

Poof... like the honoring of my husband's birthday and upcoming death anniversary by others.

Poof... like the hopes I had that I could secure my kids' future...

Poof... like the sense of health within my own family -- cancer (again)!

Poof... like the feeling of calm most people enjoy before sleep at night which I've had to say adieu to.

Poof... like the respect I used to have for certain people who have, in the last year, proven that they are useless, self-absorbed human beings.

Happy Birthday

So many people are remembering you today... We're all going out to eat later after Mass with Lolo, Lola and The Arnies. I hope you don't mind but I think we'll stick some birthday ribbons on the crypt.

You know what I want for your birthday, ok?

Healthy Options

Poor Enzo is sick with a cough and high fever, but when I called 'Dra. Cula' for advice, instead of prescribing anything new she made me buy zinc and a mask... for myself.

"You need to protect yourself; you know how bad it is when you get hawa from the kids."

Zinc alone is not something you can get at Mercury, so I went with Max to the new Healthy Options at Greenbelt 5 to look for chelated zinc. And when I walked into the newly-opened store -- all brightly lit in green and white, bigger store area and better stocked!-- I felt a wow, then an almost uncontrollable urge to buy out the store.

I had to keep my blinders on, but after I found my bottle of zinc, we peeked at the freezer section (organic chicken nuggets at php450! aray.) and found some frozen berries and vegetables that were a really good deal.

When your child goes home smiling because you bought him raisins and frozen all-natural raspberries for his fruit shakes, you know you've raised a kid who will probably make good food choices as an adult.

Guess there is a bit of brainwashing on my part, but I wasn't faking as I browsed through the store and exclaimed over all yummy healthy stuff available. I promised to go back for some organic mac and cheese though, lol. And maybe some fruit leather.

I wish I had a lot of money, if only to be able to eat the way I want without worrying about price...

Hacker Attack!

I hate(!!) hackers, especially the ones who wreak havoc just to annoy and disrupt the lives of other people. Hey, if you're sleuthing about because you think your spouse is cheating, by all means, hack! But private accounts of strangers with no information in it to benefit you? Some people really need to get off their flat a**es and live a real life. They will get their karmic comeuppance one day...

Real Love

Sickness and Health
by Catherine Newman, author of Waiting For Birdy

"Is that your husband?" The ER nurse is pointing to you, the fever-spiked lump who is snoring softly and muttering beside me. We've been here for hours, and for hours I've returned my lips over and over to your scalding forehead, as if to cool it, or, perhaps, to comfort myself. In just a little while longer, we'll find out that what you have is a severe case of strep, and you will swallow the prescribed pills, and I will finally put my lips to your quietly sleeping forehead and feel a welcome coolness.

But for now the nurse's face is creased with compassion and weariness — she is waiting — and it's not really the right time to tell her about your gentle strength: the way you rocked our baby in the sling for hours on end while you graded papers, rocked another baby three years later while you did your anatomy homework, babies peacefully asleep across your broad chest for what feels like my entire adult life. It's not the right time to explain what a funny contradiction you are, a hockey-playing massage therapist, or how just last week you lay your hands on a friend's father while he lay dying in hospice.

She wouldn't understand how funny it is that you gave me bedtime coupons — promising to turn in early on the nights I redeem them — because you're a night owl and I miss you in bed, or how it feels when I come down in the morning to a toasty kitchen because you've already lit a fire in our wood stove. She doesn't know that I'm strangely euphoric, sitting here thinking about how lucky I am to have so much to lose — my rock, my mystery, the love of my life — that I'm sitting here thinking in sickness and in health. I will, I think. I do. But all I can say is yes. "Yes. That's my husband."

Happy Valentine's Day, people. M.

Slumdog Millionaire

I was sure I'd be disappointed when I watched this movie, given all the hype and hoopla. So many times it's the movies that are quietly promoted that surprise me, not the touted blockbusters. I also had a yucky feeling it would be a pinoy-style movie, an implausible tale of rags to riches tied up with a ribbon at the end.

What surprised me more than anything was that the storyline was multi-layered and I was mentally engaged for the entire film, despite subtitles, thick accents and stereotypical characters, but most of all despite the peanut gallery composed of Dad (who paused the movie every time someone asked a question out loud), Mom (ano ba!!), Auntie Mo (who actually tried to answer Mom's questions), and Anton and Enzo.

Typically, Max fell asleep during the movie and Uncle Harry just munched on TJ chocolate-covered espresso beans. Other than me, I think Uncle Harry was the only one who got the nuances of the movie because he just listened and let the story unfold in its own way and speed.

And speaking of millionaires, the super lotto is up to 170 million. Time to place some bets. If I win, I promise to be true to my FB list of 25 Random Things—I will probably blow half of my winnings on gifts and travel. I daydream about traveling the world with my boys, then showering everyone with surprise gifts. There a couple of people I would like to give fantabulous gifts to, just because. I'd definitely share the wealth with staff who've been with me and Cyril through it all...

There are so many people in my life to be thankful for. They know they have my appreciation, but there's nothing like paying off a debt of gratitude with a grand splurge.

self-indulgent misery

Welcome the year of the ox.

I see the year ahead and all it demands of me and I'm completely and totally overwhelmed. At this very moment, I have no faith and I wish I had the luxury of having someone to love who could hold me up, right now, tonight, when all I have for company is my snoring kids and a glass of my favorite poison.

Self-pity is indulgent, but considering I have nothing else to indulge in, I will allow myself this one night of absolute misery and loneliness. I think I deserve it. Cheers.

Oops.

I did it again.

Stupid, stupid girl who never learns her lesson.

I'm better than this.

Where is a kick in the ass when I need one?

Time to unleash my arsenal of coping mechanisms.

Let's hope I don't gain five pounds in five days.

Instead, I wish to emerge from this with clarity and strength of will.

I miss my old life, my old problems, and my old way of thinking.

This new sh*t is so much tougher.

Too Much Danielle Steel

Before MIL left for LA in December, she sent me old books from Langka to dispose of/sell/give away... Of course I haven't done that yet, instead, I've begun reading through them all. No Greater Love, Silent Honor, Mixed Blessings, Lightning, Echoes, Wanderlust...

How do you know when you've been reading too many romance novels? You start believing in happy endings (the g-rated kind). Or at least, you begin adjusting your idea of a happy ending closer to "unreal" territory.

There is nothing I dislike more than books/movies/stories that end on a vague note. I'm the type of person who needs to KNOW. Sad or happy, I need to know. In fact, the ending doesn't even have to be happy. I just need some form of conclusion.

Danielle Steel is a very good "concluder". She is the mistress of tidy endings. If only she were real... I could rest assured that the messier and dramatic any situation is, the tidier and happier the ending will be.

The Filipino Network

So... the first official Goat Meeting took over four hours, with Dr. L, accomplished veterinarian, immunologist, teacher, San Miguel consultant, former scholar of Lolo Gil, former head vet for the Puyat farms and fraternity brother of my Dad, taking the lead.

We didn't just talk about goats. We talked about hogs, chickens, rotation planting, San Miguel feeds, cooperatives, livelihood programs, fake vet meds (45%!!), the history of the Puyat family as farmers and growers, agri-inventions, organic food, mango farms and all sorts of things that entertained me so much I forgot I was burning with a fever. What a fantastic resource person Dr. L is.

A second Goat Meeting was unwittingly convened today at Chili's over a pitcher or two of margaritas. I met up with friends for drinks and as we proceeded to catch up, I mentioned my goat ideas. J turned to me and said "M, we have a goat farm in Quezon! Same imported breed plus hybrids, and too many already for our livelihood program. Let's go, bring the kids and spend a weekend!" We spent the next thirty minutes talking goat.

Another coincidence tonight... My Indian friend V and I figured out that we both worked for Batesville Caskets at the same time. Me as GM of the local distributor, and he as a supplier of parts to the Indiana company. In other words, he was manufacturing parts in Manila and sending them to Indiana, then the fully assembled caskets were being sent back for me to sell. He says, why doesn't Loyola have their own brand? I'll produce for you. We talked caskets while the rest kept drinking.

The fourth person in the group was T, and as we were leaving, he heard me mention laser tag at Market Market for Maxi's birthday celebration. "Hey, I know the owners! You need a discount? Sure, I'll ask."

Don't you just love how everyone is connected?

Year of the... Goat??

I know this will sound weird, but I just wanted to blog this in case it became something important.

You all have heard me talking about growing my natural chickens at the mango farm, but two key people have convinced me to look into goats! What, me, a goat herder??

Anyway, will explain another time but I do have my first official Goat Meeting on Monday. Maybe goats are what I need to forget about Dogs... or at least to reorder my priorities !

2009

I've been working on my post for the new year, but can't seem to pin anything down... I do not really know what I resolve to do for 2009.

Checked my horoscopes for Tigers in the Year of the Ox, and it says management of my personal finances will take precedence. Then issues about my career (changes!), and finally, a renewed social life. Sounds pretty accurate if you like to believe in stuff like this, but I think these 'predictions' can apply to anyone.

It was while chatting with a co-depressive that we figured out the one thing we both need for 2009 -- courage. Throw fears and anxiety out the window. Be brave.

So I may not know what I want this year, but whatever it turns out to be, I resolve to go after it with a lot more courage.