Sunday, September 27, 2009

Headache, envy, loneliness, regret, pity, longing, insecurity.
Enough please, I can't handle much more.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

New Normal

Things are so different now. I felt it this weekend. The change was actually palpable.

I don't like it because I'm the only one affected. It made me feel quite alone, having to watch my words and actions, holding back, keeping my distance, pretending I didn't care. Faking nonchalance is so tiring.

Am I the only one who doesn't have a poker face? Or am I hyper sensitive much?

Got hit by bricks again the other night; had to cry it out at the worst possible time. It's been some time since it last happened but the dull ache of the constant, gaping hole in my soul is such a familiar feeling, it becomes easier each day to manage the sudden bursts of anger at the entire world and all the people who've hurt me. The insecurities are piling up and really making headway into my psyche.

This is my new normal.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Reckless August

I allow myself too much leeway on my birthday month, and I realized that I wasn't a very responsible adult. But I don't feel like being an adult, that's the problem. Still fighting against the bit...

And much to my embarrassment, I capped off the month with a pretty little experience that will mortify me to the end of my days. Why did I have to push it?? Now all I want to do is hit my head repeatedly against a wall until I knock some sense into myself.

Was asked by X, "What can you do to change?" Other than relocate, have a brain transplant or go back in time, I'm stuck with what I have. Which is a whole lot of nothing, plus worries and anxieties.

Can loneliness be the core issue? Still processing that thought...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Change of Scenery Needed

I think I'm going on strike. I try too hard, but for what.

Time to change the scenery and move on to where I'm wanted. Right, my friend? I gave it my best and I got my answer.

I pray for the fortitude to stay away. I will not reach out. That would just be pathetic, after finding out what I now know.