Saturday, November 29, 2008

Missing Three Cs

Life has conspired (again) to remind me of all that I have lost this year. An aunt made me cry over the phone by telling me, "You lost so much, you must feel so sad, you probably cry everyday..." and "My heart aches for you and I pray everyday that God sends you someone so you aren't so lonely...".

Other people in my life and on the outskirts of my existence came together this week to play with my heart, not by setting out to make me cry, but just by being reminders themselves of what I do not have anymore.

And so I end this week having cried more than recently usual, bowed by such a sense of loss. My days in themselves are normal, productive enough. But the sadness this week was like a mantle, a heavy one that made it seem more difficult to navigate my emotions.

I miss the presence of these three Cs in my life, and my world is smaller and so so so much emptier without them.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Fake Busy and Xmas

Yeah, it always seem like I have all sorts of stuff to DO, but why do I feel like I'm not actually getting anything DONE?

I explained the feeling recently to a friend, it's like I'm going through the motions, but without really being involved.

And of all the things I could worry about, the one thing that's been making me feel bad is Christmas gifts... Those who know me know I like giving gifts, but I enjoy receiving them too. This year, I won't be receiving one from a Loved One. I know my family and parents will give like they always do, but it isn't like those one or two special gifts/splurges from a spouse that was thought over, decided on, just for me. The kind of gift you exchange between only the two of you. I realize there are many people who don't have this either, but in 16 years, it is what I have gotten used to. It's hard to let go of that tradition and feeling.

I may have to go and buy something for myself, something I've been wanting, but how meaningful is that? It's not ever about the gift itself, is it? It's the knowledge that someone took the time to think about you and what you would like to receive, and went out of their way to find it, wrap it, and create that gift-giving moment that is important to you.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Time to purge?

Today was another one of Those Days.

I just noticed that I'm doing That Thing again, that jaw-clenching thing I do without realizing it. And I was so cranky this weekend. So many things I hate about my self/my life now.

Been having the urge to "redecorate" the apartment, to scrub the walls, floors and drawers clean, to purge my little home of all the things that irritate me. For example, I hate my kitchen floor. It's old and it always looks so dirty. I want to throw away my black couch, which is too small anyway, because reupholstering it to fix the hole the kids ripped into it will probably cost too much anyway. So let's all just sit on the floor. I want to get rid of my living room curtains. It reminds me of trying to save money and ending up with curtains that are too short and not very well made. I hate my lighting fixture over the dining room table, with its chip on the third glass and yucky black electrical cord. I want return to mom the red fire painting that still peels even after it was restored. The old Persian carpet with its tattered ends goes too. I want to repaint the dreary walls; the color is no longer neutral, it's just plain sad. And I don't know what to do with that big wooden desk. Sure, it is still used for "work", but it is such a reminder of how things used to be.

I'm not even going to start with the cramped kitchen, the more-cramped maids room and the kids room and the mess there...

So if I throw everything out, will I be less cranky with an empty but clean home? I'd rather have nothing than things that need to be fixed or repaired in some way. They are all daily reminders that I just don't have the time and money to redo the place. Might as well purge and start from scratch, right?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Just Sitting

I survived Nov.1. It could have been a bad day, but it wasn't. I was too busy being sick to be sad, I think.

Halloween at Alabang on Friday was a lot of fun with the boys and their cousins, plus a few of Andrew's and Angela's friends. For the first time ever, I did not dress up or go trick-or-treating. I stayed in. Mia heard me complaining about my back aching because of my seismic coughing and ordered a massage for me. Sarap.

Yesterday, we all lazed around until 5pm, then went to Mass at San Antonio with Mom, Dad, Marie and MIL, then visited at the crypt, and then had some Thai at Serendra. After dinner, MIL went home, I took the sleeping dead-weight of Maxi home, and the rest watched the last full show of High School Musical 3.

The only time I allowed myself to be melancholic was when I was finally home and it was quiet. I didn't pray, or talk out loud, or meditate... I just sat. And in the grand scheme of things, "just sitting" was as good as it gets.