Thursday, August 19, 2010

I will fight the shadows even if it kills me. I'm tired of all the sadness inside me and I want to be released.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Long Distance

The power of the written word, by a friend, for a friend:

"... But I wasn't kidding when I said you will be loved again. I have no doubt about it actually. I don't tend to throw platitudes about for the most part. Of course, I cannot understand the grief you must feel and will continue to feel but you are loved by a lot of people and you need to sustain yourself with that. As for existential crises, we all have them from time to time."

"... I personally love reading your blog. I guess that makes me some kind of stalker. But, I am drawn to it nevertheless. You radiate... generosity of spirit, and openness. I know that sounds corny, but I wouldn't say that about anyone. You were an absolute angel to me when we first met because I was at an absolute low point in my life at the time, without any concept of what you were going through."

"... I know, life isn't perfect. And things won't go perfectly for you all the time, so I'm not just gonna pour on the corn. And I'm still really jetlagged so I'm having trouble expressing myself again today. But I did mean it when I said these guys are out of your league... Of course there won't be anyone to match your hubby, but I think it would be good for you if they got at least somewhere within the same universe!"

"... I deal with depression and anxiety too, so I think I can relate to how you feel on some level. And I'm here to listen. One of the bad things about being away is that it makes it harder to be there for you. Anyway, I like the fact that despite my inherent conservatism, I can also be myself around you. My (bleep) is an ongoing battle but I also feel a lot better about myself than I have, and people like you help a lot. You have never judged me, which I appreciate. I can be me!"

"... My writing right now is leaden and I'm not getting to the point about purpose and all that since my brain is mush... Just keep the faith!"

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


... I spoke too soon.

Thank you R, for talking me through it. What a pep talk on self-worth, high standards and not settling for anything less than great. You revealed my harsh paranoia, yet softened the blow with words that could only be meaningful coming from a long-time friend and soul sister. You've been around long enough to know the pitfalls of my ego. But you've also been around long enough to know I am fierce when I hate, love, cry, play, dream, and protect my own... I am Leo, hear me roar?

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Merry Month of August

I almost didn't want to celebrate this year.

Money issues, responsibilities, sheer laziness, and believe it or not sadness. I started the month with a sudden realization that this will be my third birthday month alone. And that feeling has been weighing me down.

I try to look forward and most of the time I succeed. Lately though, I have been indulging myself. I feel like I needed to reconnect with my loss, and recall the pain.

I don't do it out of masochism. I do it to remind myself of the things that are important to me NOW. So here I am, back to planning a big birthday party because I remember that it has been my friends and family who have made the rest of my life worthwhile.

Whether I feel it or not, I will smile and celebrate my life and hope that gratitude fills my heart and drives the blues away.