Saturday, July 20, 2013

Afloat and Adrift

I don't know how to describe how I feel. Left out of life, maybe? Stuck in a rut? Dissatisfied? All I know is that there is something going on again, and my biggest clues are hiding out in my room with music plugged into my ear, and random weepiness. I think I'm pissed about something, but even I can tell it's not proportional... What is the real issue? What is making me feel like I want to chuck it all (again)?

Sometimes I stand in the middle of my bedroom and look at everything around me, imagining throwing it all out the window and living with nothing except a bed and some clothes. Of course I would have to become anti-social because I would never show myself dressed in rags.

It kinda makes sense because the very appealing image in my head is that of a dark cave that no one enters unless they are invited in. It is a cave deep inside a mountain. It is quiet and safe, and there is a small spring of water inside. The water is the only noise that will keep me company. Gentle ripples and soft, slow drips, just enough noise to keep me company without disturbing my silence.

I sometimes think that without Facebook, I would have zero friends by now. I have stopped reaching out to friends. It's hard to do that now when I have no money to spare for "luxuries". So I'm just cutting it all off. The consequence here is that I spend more time with the BF's friends, more than my own. The little time I spend "out" is with someone else's friends. I think I just figured out that this is what is giving me a floating feeling.

Is this what it feels like to be afloat without an anchor? No friends to remind you that you are an adult with consequence? Peers who care and love simply? My children should be my anchor, but they feel more like my companions in a life raft. Why a life raft? Because my entire life feels like an emergency situation after a grand, sinking disaster.

The little things that happen to make me happy are just illusions. When you strip it down to what it is, my life is, in fact, an emergency situation. All I'm managing to do is stay afloat and alive for my kids. If it were just me, I would just lie down and let the sun burn me to oblivion.

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