Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fear and Pain are Friends

"Do you miss her?"
"Yeah, for the same reason you miss the pain... because you lived with it for so long."

Taken from the Facebook wall of someone who has too many walls himself, so high and thick I can barely sense his core, can hardly tell how he really feels about things. I know everything is a mask and I also know that he will never open up and show me what's behind it.

Was his breakup experience really so devastating? Has this ruined him for everything and everyone afterwards? She's still alive so how can this be worse than losing someone to death?

I live with a pain most people won't ever understand, but this new pain isn't the only pain I have. Dr. I. once said, you cannot let go of your long-time fears because they have become your friend. You let then control you because you'd rather be in the company of fear than be alone. Sound familiar? See above.

I wonder if someone will love me that way, so desperately that several years after being separated, he will still be running away from intimacy? I know C. loved me, faithfully and exclusively, but did he love me with deranged passion? No, he relied on me more than anything, to provide comfort and nurturing. It was a sure and steady love.

Is my great passion somewhere out there? Or will I remain in the company of 'friends'?

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